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This is a message for all the younger men/women out there who were physically or psychologically abused as a child and can’t seem to hold a relationship. It is absolutely not your fault that things happened to you as a child, but things do become your fault when you begin to mistreat your partners as an adult. When I was 20, i moved in with my first real gf. Multiple important people in my life passed away within months of my gf and i dating and she was entirely unable to support me. In fact, she lied about me, cheated on me and always made herself seem more important than the other things going on in my life. Clearly, I should’ve broken up with her. Instead, I stayed with her, yelled at the top of my lungs frequently, and threw my car keys at the wall multiple times out of anger. This obviously wasn’t the right reaction at all and even though I was getting mistreated, I seemed like the crazy one. The reality is that we both weren’t alright in the head. We ended up breaking up and that was that. A similar story unfolds in my next relationship. I got robbed at gunpoint and my gf started to blame me for her not being able to go out as much because I was scared that someone was going to rob me again. For context, the ppl who robbed me took my ID with all of my information on it. I became really paranoid and expected them to come try and find me. On my birthday, my ex ended up blaming me for her plans always being ruined again, even though I would break down in tears when we’d be near the places I got followed from and robbed at. Where we lived, a lot of things to do were unfortunately located in those areas. My response? I broke up with her peacefully… is what I wish I could say happened. Within seconds of those words leaving her mouth, my foot went through the door to my left. It hurt really bad and immediately snapped me out of it. A little bit of self awareness was born and disappointment in myself flooded my brain. I immediately left the room, got a screwdriver and took the door off the hinges so I wouldn’t be reminded of what I did. I started therapy two weeks after this happened and my ‘triggers’ were brought to light. When I heard people say “this triggers me” i used to laugh. Now, I related to it more than anything else. I was hurt. Deeply. So deeply that I may have never realized it without help from a therapist because the trauma was hidden under all of the other little problems that my life had racked up. My next relationship was a lot better, but my ex ended up realizing what triggered me and did a lot of things to intentionally get a reaction. It made her smile. I yelled in response, but no longer at the top of my lungs because i would realize what was going on before things escalated. If I was irritated, I would actually try to play catch with my ex in order to turn the negativity behind throwing things at walls into an activity that would help us both calm down. Turns out my ex hated tossing things back and forth, so I ended up losing my gravitation towards picking up objects completely. That relationship ended more peacefully than the rest, but I still didn’t feel like I was being a good partner. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and told him about what I’d learned from my therapy sessions and the issues that still plagued my brain. He listened to me and explained how my triggers would amplify my reactions. I was prescribed sertraline and hydroxyzine for three months and things actually began to change. I was no longer anxious all the time. I wasn’t getting as emotional as before. I was no longer acting manic. A few months later I ended up meeting a girl and things actually made sense. We’ve now been together for over a year, which is my longest relationship. It is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Why? Because I finally got help. I also found someone who actually understands me and doesn’t want to hurt me. If you can relate to what I’ve said, then get some help. This will make me look bad. That’s ok.
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