Ben Fordham Live Parody

*** FACT CHECK *** Are you ready for this? The CSIRO claims it invented Wi-Fi. But how can the internet get from the wall to my laptop? Well after days of searching, I found this cord. It was plugged in. It shatters woke claims of "wireless transmission" by the CSIRO.

It seems I owe someone a grovelling apology. I blamed Albo for the purchase of two brand new Boeing 737 jets. Turns out Scomo bought them. On reflection, I now consider this to be a wise and appropriate purchase. Therefore, I apologise to Scomo for not giving him due credit.

*** EXCLUSIVE *** New boycott just dropped. From 11:59 tonight, I'll no longer purchase any products, goods and/or services sold at any Laura Tingle stores.

When will the lies stop? Albo promised us $250 off our power bills. But instead he's giving us $300 off. A lie is a lie. What's happened to Australia?

I've got an announcement. This isn't an easy decision, but I must stay true to my heart. The world's gone woke. So I'm boycotting it. Starting tomorrow, I'll be boycotting all earth-based produce. And I'm still boycotting Woolworths which, of course, is earthly in origin.

*** EXCLUSIVE *** Confirmed. More woke nonsense from woolies. I've just learned Woolworths will be closed tomorrow. On ANZAC Day. They're boycotting the most important day of the year. What has happened to this country? And where's the prime minister?

*** EXCLUSIVE *** What's an hour of your time worth? Now multiply that by every single worker in Australia. Anthony Albanese won't say why, but this Sunday you'll be forced to put your clock back one hour. Nobody wants to talk. But I'm going to get answers.

*** EXCLUSIVE *** It's an ugly attack on a sacred Christian date. I asked the Prime Minister's office why April Fools Day was held on Easter Monday this year. They won't give me a straight answer. But I'll keep digging. Watch this space.

*** EXCLUSIVE *** No, you're not seeing double. I've had it confirmed from two separate sources. The PM and his defence minister ordered two bowls of pasta. Instead of sharing like that movie with the dogs in it. I spoke to a horrified pasta chef who says "heads must roll".

*** EXCLUSIVE *** April fools! 😂

*** EXCLUSIVE *** I've just realised my hyper-partisan babble is divisive and unhelpful. It's lowering the tone of political discourse and agitating my easily-led audience. So, I'm sorry. From today I'll be taking a more balanced and nuanced approach to journalism.

*** EXCLUSIVE *** It's just been confirmed. Woolies have stopped selling condoms in my size. This personal attack comes just days after my biscuit tin exposé. You know you're on the right track when they come after you. I won't be deterred or intimidated. Listen live.

*** EXCLUSIVE *** I've just gotten off the phone with the Pope. He's cross after learning woolies isn't selling holy water in any of its stores. This latest woke ban on Easter. His Holiness has pledged to shop at Aldi in another woke disaster for Woolworths. Listen live.

Sky News host Peta Credlin says she was “shocked but not surprised” when she discovered playing John Farnham's You're the Voice backwards revealed an additional 26 verses outlining an evil plot by Indigenous union thugs to remove the hinges from “every door in Australia”.

Breaking: IBAC called in after a source familiar with internal machinations within the Andrews government said it's possible the Victorian premier used the last milk in the carton on or about the same year decisions were being made relating to the Commonwealth Games.

Sky News host Peta Credlin says she's “run out of patience with so-called fact checkers” after they labelled her story exposing how Harold Holt assassinated Kennedy with an inflatable hammer before fleeing Earth with the ultra-communist Klingon “misleading”.

Daniel Andrews has been labelled a “selfish thug” and is facing calls by John Pesutto to resign following revelations Labor will run candidates at the 2026 election, robbing Victorian Liberals of the pathway to victory they began paving at the Warrandyte by-election.

The Victorian Liberal Party's grandslam Warrandyte victory shows the party is on track to “scoop up all the seats” at the next election and form government, if Daniel Andrews decides not to run any candidates, Sky News electionologist Prue MacSween says.

Sky News resident communist sandwich expert Sharri Markson says she's convinced the sandwich Anthony Albanese was snapped buying in Marrickville today was “probably loaded with” Marxist mayonnaise and Guevara guacamole.

ABC cancels Kitchen Cabinet after Peter Dutton serves Annabel Crabb human brains.