Duncan Carson

YOU CAN SCHEDULE SEND INSTAGRAM MESSAGES NOW? oh shitttt guess who's about to get WAY better at booking his god damn weekly comedy show ahead of time

just got sad imagining people hanging out in the metaverse on christmas

so Santa just had NO PLAN for a "foggy Christmas eve" until Rudolph?

@Hutch_Katherine when my relatives ask how comedy is going I'm going to correct them "it's actually spirit channeling"

@ZombiePanther2 @WestinPlaying Turns out you should campaign to the people who want to vote for you instead of a nonexistent legion of people who simultaneously respect the cheneys and are willing to not vote Republican

small key to modern happiness is avoiding "for you" pages on all platforms

absurd how much HEB getting tap to pay has improved my quality of life

needless to say roast culture has pretty much ruined comedy but it has damaged normie culture downstream to the point where people think that unironically insulting someone is making a great joke

shout out to Jiffy Lube for never yelling at me re: how overdue I am for an oil change

@lononaut @DylanoA4 THANK you! he was funny long ago but surely hundreds of other people have pointed out we should be grateful for stuff?

Everything is amazing and nobody's happy

hello to everyone I blocked now reading this! continue to go fuck yourselves I guess?

@DylanoA4 yeah! and women won't let you make them watch you masturbate like what the hell dawg

can I enter witness protection? I didn't see anything I'm just burned out

there is literally no point in making things that you think executives or the algorithm is asking for and i find that very freeing :-)

@jonwilkespace @YourPalBKO on good terms with Koenig & Burnet, this tweet was about 7th and Pleasant Valley

@YourPalBKO @aduncancarson Hey, that's my HEB and they just finished a remodel if it helps.

you know like a certain album will be associated with an ex? I have that for certain HEBs

nostalgia is poisonous (except for mine)

@kathbarbadoro this is MY TIME

@emily_murnane wait what

Pisses me off how many calories there are in a handful of almonds. Like how dare you.

several times lately I'll think "wow the twitter algorithm is actually pretty good today" and then realize I'm in "following" mode