ale

. 𐙚 ̊ ale’s #edtwtintro / #moothunt 𐙚 ̊. ✧˖° O4, she / her , 21 , eng , ita bipolar1 + anorexia ✧˖° not new to #edtwt ᥫ᭡ : coffee, art, languages, literature, music hw: 50 kg ⋮ lw: 38 kg ⋮ gw: 40 kg pro-recovery, active !! ♡ or ↻ to be moots !!

tomorrow i’ll weigh myself after almost two weeks and i’m afraid of having gained even though my weigh will suck regardless so

i’m finally out of the psych ward

exercise purge beats toilet purge everytime honestly idk the high is like no other

i’ve decided i give myself three weeks to lose weight to see him again. if i stay locked in i’ll at least be in the underweight category again by then. seems like a plan

he’s already seen me at this weight and it clearly wasn’t an issue for him. i keep forgetting this is a me problem and people don’t hate me for my body the way i do with myself and myself only

once i’m home i’ll just be in my little ED world till i wait to enter the other psychiatric facility. i don’t really miss anyone except for my situationship even though i’m too fat to hangout so maybe i’ll decide a certain weight starting which i allow myself to meet him again

today i’ll eat around 1300 calories and my brain is trying to convince me that it’s too much. like girl you were binging till two days ago i promise you won’t gain from this

about my thyroid the endocrinologist told me to check again in a month even though my blood levels have been off since july. i could have literally developed hypothyroidism due to lithium but they just don’t give a fuck

i can’t wait to leave the psych ward it’s literally a matter of hours now. had blood drawn again today to check lithium levels and my thyroid

just got my period 😣😣 worked out regardless

i keep wondering if my bipolar affects how i eat or if my eating patterns affect my mood or if it’s both feeding into each other

well i accept the bipolar diagnosis but sometimes it feels like part of what i’m going through is being overlooked, like the diagnosis doesn’t fully capture what’s actually driving things for me

worked out three times today and restricted under 1000 but i can’t even feel that good about it because of my current weight. it just feels like i’m doing what i’m supposed to do

can’t wait to go home and exercise purge all the fucking time i’m so serious about weight loss rn. i missed my hyperactive self

i’m actually really glad i’m going home tomorrow because my roommate keeps having tantrums and banging her head against the wall. whenever she’s not sedated she’s yelling

today the ward psychiatrist wants to talk to my mother during visiting hours too. it’s going to be even more awkward than with my dad because she’s completely different at home and i already know she’ll act like a perfect mother in front of him

talked to the bpd guy at the ward and he told me i should want to get better for myself not for someone else. i told him he doesn’t need to worry cause that’s how i already function. in fact i need to lose weight for myself and no one else i though to myself