Ally

Someone called the cops on me & told them I was breaking weed up while driving. I was eating broccoli, guys...

Red wine & @Khruangbin are a match mate in heaven *chefs kiss*

Why do ASMR videos make me feel dirty?

I want Nick to get a neck tattoo. But then I’d definitely have to get my tubes tied bc we are not having anymore kids. He won’t do it. But I want him to

I love a good full circle moment when a person who was shitty to you has an ugly kid.

If you wear a tiara on your wedding day… I’m judging you

God putting hair follicles in our butt cracks is just rude

Amber Turd… That is all.

Maybe someday I’ll come up for air. Until then, I sink.

"ur so chill" thanks i gave up

@yutsai is the male equivalent of Edna Mode #antm

Facebook needs to get their shit together. I just laugh reacted to somebody’s dead brother

I can’t wait to have my own home again

@J__V____ I gave a friend 1 ride to work and he gave me 15 grams of weed to thank me #imtheubernow

my buddy gave me an ounce from his farm for letting his dog out a total of 4 times last weekend. (he was only gone saturday afternoon through sunday evening, so don't come at me)

@MaddieSnyderxo The Cold Stone sweet cream is delicious!😋

@allydebler What’s your fav

Coffee creamer is my religion

My dad is drunk and currently listening to a country cover of an Eminem song. Is this his midlife crisis?

The lady at Taco Bell just called our dog sexy.

How do I get @brucebuffer job?

“I’ll give you Xanax for your wedding gift” -My Grandma