amymarz

My body's a temple but it's that one where they leave out big pans of milk for rats

When do I get to age out of having panic attacks in the grocery store

@Seinfeld2000 I think this is my greatest contribution to the internet....

S3INF3LD

"He supports Republican policies but he's a good person" -- not a thing.

Sorry I'm late I accidentally hypnotized myself while diffusing my hair

Any psycho can just, without any background check, waltz into a Home Depot and buy a door. When will this madness end?

Tucker Carlson is as disturbed by the Buffalo shooter's manifesto as anyone. He's even thinking of suing him for plagiarism.

I like the Trader Joe's cheddar corn puffs because they have the same texture as those biodegradable packing peanuts

@Sen_JoeManchin I hope you fall into raw sewage

Is it too late to abort Samuel Alito

I have received more compliments about my current haicut than any other aspect of my appearance, personality or artistic talents. All hail my hair

What a beautiful day to be outside! Neighbor's kids: AAAAHH!! Neighbor's dog: AAAAHHHH! Neighborhood leaf blowers: AAAHHHH!

Why can't exercise be like in the Sims. Work out for 10 minutes, do a little jump and suddenly you're a thin, valuable member of society. Then you go back to eating entire cakes by the pool in the middle of the night

I assume the Gazpacho Police specialize in cold cases?

Shout out to my subconscious for thrilling me with dreams about going to the optometrist and picking out a new brand of contact lenses

Me trying to paint my nails is akin to a dog wearing clothes

Cars: A Great Place To Cry™️

I've got 99 problems and a bitch is all of them and also I am the bitch