Andrew Stinger

me: these are headphones. they go over your ears so you can privately listen to music or podcasts time-traveling pilgrim: so then why do people play stuff loudly off their phone in public spaces? me: okay, you're actually picking up on things way faster than I thought

I'd like to ask for extra cheeeeeese

I know some of us are rolling our eyes at the -maxxing suffix, but if you are an elder Millennial, I should remind you we appended "balls" to a lot of words 10 years ago (sh!tballs, amazeballs, crazeballs. . .)

@bluewmist "I deserve a healthy body"

People who exercise even when they don't feel like it, what's your trick?

Literally any event where the guests are treated badly. Fyre festival, my friend's cash bar wedding where guests were served different/worse food than the bridal party to save money . . .

@Britannica Negative One; technically before 1,000

No number before 1,000 contains the letter A.

“I'm a 90s kid!” Sir, you are a 40-year-old man.

The relief I feel in finding out some of you are Pisces. Like, okay, now you make sense to me.

Literally all of NYC today.

When your boss says "we'll get it done somehow" and you realize you're the somehow

me when i sit front row at the paddington musical

Wait. I'm dying to know why or how this happened. 😂

can i get a fucking ETA on “this too shall pass”

My entire life is powered by a desire to go swimming in nice water. I only work to go swimming. The winter is hard for me because I lose sight of what is most important when I am far away from going swimming

the first half of the alphabet is simple baby stuff but when u get past lmnop it's like ok... we're getting into dangerous teritory now

Having hobbies as an adult is wild. You’ll get emotionally demolished at work and then be like “Anyway, I’m off to swimming class at 6:30 pm”

@theestallion Coachella 🤝 Al Hirschfield Theater (Places I will have seen @theestallion slay)

It’s a very bad time to be my hater lol I’m EVERYWHERE