April McMillan

When I first met my now husband, I felt truly at ease, and I knew that he would be one of my friends for life. The feeling was so strong, I thought to myself, “He looks better than his bad photos. I really need to help him with his online dating profile.” 😁

OMG. Why the hell does Tom Waits not have an album titled For No Man??? If you ask me, that is just a wasted opportunity.

Screw “I hate small talk.” It’s only small talk when you’re not truly interested in what the other person has to say.

I’ve started learning how to play #chess on @duolingo … and my ELO rating so far is very humbling. Heck, my credit score is higher.

I’m in my 50s, and I have itchy gums, so that means I’m teething, right?

Him: Ready, Sweetheart? Me: Yes, Sweetliver. Him: Me: Sweetkidney? Sweetbrain? Sweet— what organ should I call you? Him: Sweetdick, of course! Me: Oh. Oh, yeah! Him: I can’t believe that wasn’t your first choice. I mean, come on

Don’t go swimming in Brazil. The sharks there are testing positive for cocaine.

I don’t mind the boy being on the phone with his friends all evening. I don’t mind that he says, “Hey, bro” pretty darn regularly. What I do mind is that I can’t tune him out entirely because “Hey, Bro” sounds a lot like “April”.

This means I speak nearly as well as a toddler now.

Me to him while watching the Bill and Frank episode of The Last of Us: Single people should forget about OKCupid and just dig a hole in the ground to find the love of their life.

I’m a World Champion! What’s your Duolingo learner style? #Duolingo365

Last night the 11yo asked if he could call me Mom. I told him he could, but that it might take me a while before I got used to responding to it. Before anyone gets excited though, it’s really not that big a deal. He calls his dad Mom, too, sometimes.

I remember Padres games here. Good times

Me to the meowing cat this morning: “English, please!”

Me after all the Halloween decorations have been put up: Dude, y’all need to do a better job of cleaning around here. There are cobwebs all over the place.

“Doing meal prep” for the week sounds so nice, so healthy and productive. It makes cooking way too much on a Sunday and packing leftovers for your work lunches sound so much better and more intentional.

This is your friendly reminder that there is a difference between a butt dial and a booty call. Thank you.

Don't you, forget about me Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you, forget about me

I’m at a lesson in ⁦@duolingo⁩ where animals are doing all sorts of things you would never guess they could do. Horses cleaning bathrooms. Cows watching TV. Dogs doing differential equations in their head while juggling machetes and balancing on a ball. You know. The usual.