Ari

Foreign student trauma: When I first moved from Lithuania to America I was 5 years old and didn’t speak any English. On the first day of kindergarten I was crying so much that my teacher picked me up and let me sit on her lap, meanwhile the rest of the kids sat on the carpet in front of me and watched me cry while she explained to them what was going on (in a language I didn’t understand). Our school was 3 buildings put together, and the pick up was at the “blue” building but my classroom was at the “red” building, so they put a sign over my neck that said “I don’t speak English and I’m going to the blue building” and sent me away to follow a crowd of other kids. I’m still traumatized…

Sniffing candles with my best friend: So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles. They all smelled strange so we started to think about names we could give them ‘grandma’s toilet cleaning agent’ or sth like this. Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us. Suddenly my brother’s best friend stood behind us and from this day he’s thinking that I’m taking drugs. I don’t. I just sniff candles with my best friend to burst out in laughter.

Too short for me… In the Spring fair, a 4 years old child who got lost was crying. A security guard came to console him and said: “If you don’t want to get lost, you should have gripped your mother’s dress”. The boy cried sniffingly: “But my mother’s skirt was too short for me to grip.”

I'm going ice fishing! A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice. When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: \"There are no fish in there\". So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there. So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her. \"How do you know there are no fish there?\" asks the blonde. So the man cooly says \"Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you\'re going to have to pay for those holes.\"

It’s coconut Mike was not well. He was tired all the time, and his head often hurt. “Go to doctor”, his wife said. Mike did not like visiting the doctor, but after a week, he went. The doctor asked him a lot of questions and him a lot of questions and wrote Mike’s ansewers down. “What do you eat in the morning?” he asked him. “Eggs, bread, butter, jam and coffee,” Mike answered. “And what lunch do you have?” the doctor asked. “Meat or fisd and bread.” “And what do you have in the evening?” the doctor asked. “Eggs and bread.” The the doctor said. “Eat some fruit every day, and eat all the skin of the fruit. The skin is very good. What fruit do you like best?” Mike was not happy. “Coconuts,” he answered.

Fun At The Movies Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see "Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly. Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I can't hear.' 'I should hope not,' stormed the woman, 'this is a private conversation.'

Lone Ranger A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

4. My Daughter's Music Lessons "My daughter's music lessons are a fortune to me ?" "How is that ?" "They enabled me to buy the neighbors' houses at half price". 5. A Policeman And A Reporter Country Policeman (at the scene of murder) : "You can't come in here" Reporter : "But I've been sent to do the murder" Country Policeman : "Well, you're too late; the murder's been done".

WHERE AM I? A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

DAUGHTER DATING The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

THE EMINENT SCHOLAR AND THE MAN Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar woke up the sleeping man alongside him to ask if he would like to play a game. "I'll ask you a question," he explained, "and if you don't know what the answer is, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50." When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Having no idea, the man handed him $5. "Ha!" announced the scholar. "It's 384,392 kilometres. Now it's your turn." The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. "OK, what is the answer?" he asked. The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 note, handed it to the scholar and went back to sleep.

HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS ? A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

QUESTIONS OF THE DAY (As answered by elementary school students) How Do You Decide Who To Marry? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it. - Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10 What is the Right Age To Get Married? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8 What Do Most People Do On A Date? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9 When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8 Is It Better To Be Single or Married? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 How Would You Make a Marriage Work? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor,and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latestHollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress size."

An English professior wrote the words, “Woman withour her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

If you fall asleep now, you will dream. If you study now, you will live your dream.

A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often – just to save it from drying out completely. - Pam Brown

I am thankful to all who said no to me. It is because of them that I’m doing it myself. — Albert Einstein

The Talkative Apple (Part 2):Why did the apple start a podcast? It had a lot of core values to share with its listeners!