Associate Deans

No one believes in faculty governance more than a former dean who has returned to her department and is now just faculty.

No one could have foreseen that our new policy wouldn’t work. Except the people who advised us it wouldn’t work, but we fired all of them.

Our definition of a good department chair? They let the blood spill on their carpet and keep it out of the dean’s office.

Your new chair doesn’t have much substantive expertise but was a UFC fighter when he was younger. We expect him to minimize faculty complaints.

Remember how we used to tell you you weren’t a DEI hire? We were lying and now DEI is dead. You can fill in the rest, right?

We want you to be the best department you can be, paying below regional averages and with a high teaching load that minimizes the time available for research.

The legislature’s single-sex bathroom law precludes using the restrooms as tornado shelters for everyone. So, shelter by sex, people!

Fix it? We love your department’s dysfunction — we can punish it and use it as a cautionary tale to help us keep the other departments in line!

Our policy of secretly recording you in class is intended to create clarity, reassurance, and trust.

Thanks to your typo, the legislature’s NOWOKE policy is defunding the homeopathic medicine program.

Our reading of the new state guidelines is that Marxism is fine as long as you stayed focused class and don’t mention race or gender.

Based on new state guidelines, we are asking that you take the sociology out of your sociology courses.

Administration is like the Hydra: you cut one admin, and three grow back in their place (if you can find a classisist, they can explain what this means.)

Just because an admin job has been eliminated doesn’t mean we won’t have someone doing it.

When we asked faculty to identify administrative burdens to research, we wanted processes, not names of administrators you find burdensome.

Due to budget cuts, we had to reduce our landscaping crew so we are asking faculty to volunteer to come out to help weed and mulch our flower beds! Please bring your own tools and lunch!

I told you we’d find a donor, I didn’t say you’d like it.

I didn’t start the fire, but I did fan the flames in order to achieve critical institutional changes!

Dear Social Sciences & Humanities, just a reminder that what engineering wants, engineering gets. You are called service departments for a reason.

So, regarding the space your two departments are arguing over, I’ve resolved the problem. It is now the college’s transfer student advising center.