French OG | Your Dating and Relationship Guide@FrenchOG3
THE REVERSE MADONNA WHORE COMPLEX
Here is something that I don't see discussed, but holds a lot of relevance, and something that a lot of guys who have been stuck in the fun zone but never in the take seriously zone miss, and it will explain why they have problems breaking that barrier, if that is what they wish:
When women say they "lost themselves" in a relationship, there is truth behind the statement.
They lose part or even their whole of their identity, as every committed relationship requires adaptation, the scope will vary from one relationship to the next.
She spends time doing his hobbies.
She integrates into his social life.
She compromises on his routines.
Her life gradually becomes less exclusively her own.
Individuality is inevitably traded for the union (something many women who want a relationship are not fully grasping, as they want their cake and eat it too).
The thing is, different men receive different versions of the woman. Early dating defines how she will treat you, and your behaviour will convey where she places you.
A) The "Simp"
A man she perceives as beneath her, as around him, she feels no pressure to perform => she gets fatter, for example.
She believes she can be fully herself because there are few consequences for revealing everything.
That is why these women reportedly say they "can finally be themselves."
B) The "Fun Guy"
The attractive, exciting man.
He occupies the role of an equal.
There is chemistry, banter, openness and authenticity.
She tells him what she thinks.
She jokes.
She confides.
However, because she views him as a peer rather than an authority, she allegedly resists being led by him.
This is similar to coworkers.
Coworkers are comfortable with each other precisely because neither has meaningful authority over the other.
The moment one starts behaving like a boss, the relationship changes.
C) The "Superior Man"
This is the man she genuinely respects.
Because there is more to lose, authenticity decreases.
Why?
Because people naturally censor themselves around authority.
Just as employees don't reveal every mistake they've ever made to a new boss, women won't reveal every thought, insecurity or past behaviour to a man whose opinion carries significant weight.
Respect creates self-monitoring and changes communication.
Employees will filter themselves around employers, just as students behave differently around professors.
People modify their behaviour around individuals whose judgment matters.
Therefore, if a woman genuinely fears disappointing a man she respects, she becomes more selective about what she shares.
She curates it.
The fun guy cannot be the superior man, but in the eyes of a woman, "husband material" is the superior man, ideally, before she turns him into the simp.
Authenticity flourishes where status differences are minimal, as the less someone has to lose socially, emotionally or practically, the freer they become.
This is why close friends often know things that bosses never will, and romantic relationships follow the same pattern.
The core point is that you cannot simultaneously maximise respect and transparency. It is a trade-off. This is why it is amusing to read or hear women want a best friend with whom they can be themselves. It is womanese for finding a simp.
Because when she respects you deeply, she filters herself.
If she tells you absolutely everything, she probably sees you more as an equal than as an authority.
So men must choose between:
Knowing her completely, or being viewed as the leader, she respects.
Both rarely coexist.
The other thing guys in their binary mode think and show, either their lack of appreciation of reality, or lack of experience, is that it is not a matter of Good Girl vs Bad Girl. It is women who pursue different qualities in men throughout life.
The "fun guy" provides excitement and authenticity.
The older, established man provides stability and leadership.
These relationships satisfy different psychological needs rather than being interchangeable.
Power shapes disclosure as people reveal different versions of themselves depending on who they believe the other person is.
Authority encourages impression management, and equality encourages openness.
The core problem of the situation is the following:
Can deep respect and complete authenticity coexist within the same relationship?
It can't. In the same way, I discuss below how women (but really guys too, as the ability to hold paradoxes and make it make sense without bugging is a rare virtue in and of itself, irrespective of the gender) have this filtering mechanism through apparent attributes, and how they behave is the downstream effect of that.
In reality, to get deeper respect, it is necessary that the guy keep a blind eye and not go into territory she would rather not invite him, unless he wants to be the fun guy. So either he is fooled, or he is being downgraded in her eyes.
The same way that sharing vulnerability is a net negative that is only sustainable from a guy's perspective if she is buying into his strength enough, that he does not cross the Rubicon.
In that respect, his wanting to see the true her in full display is something she won't want for her to fully submit because if he sees the true her, not the performative version of herself, she won't feel good about herself and about him, because sticking with her would drop his value => Low Self-Esteem 101.
Yet, the irony is that she eventually gets tired of performing the version of herself she feels she has to live up to, to entertain the polarity, if she is with a "superior man", when she has not turned him into a Simp through his approval-seeking.
Essentially, that is their reasoning when they say they sleep fast with guys they don't like, but hold out with guys they do.
It is to keep that non-slut imagery because she wants to feel respected by the guy they want to see as higher, but eventually attract simps or simps in the making. And the fun guys remain fun guys because the women cannot hold that ambiguity either through low self-esteem or reverse Madonna-Whore Complex. And when it comes to the superior men, they get stuck in situationships with them.
So the Superior Man is cornered in getting fooled to keep the deeper respect.
How bittersweet.
