beverly

operator: what is your emergency? woman: please help, some men broke into my home operator: not all men are like that, i wouldn't do that

A listenable history of @KanyeWest's samples. This is so cool. theverge.com/2014/8/20/6048…

@femaleproblems I happen to love yellow starburst.

I keep trying to go to sleep, but Mariska Hargitay won't stop solving ALL THESE CRIMES.

@ediekaemmerlen It informs you as to where "the magic happens."

Just saw a band perform that was like System of a Down tried to make the Me and You and Everyone We Know soundtrack. It was AMAZING.

"You can check in, but an alligator will eat your corpse before you can check out."

Protesting the building of mosques and a Burn-a-Quran Day? Gee, anything else we can do to prove to Al-Qaeda we ARE infidels?

@ediekaemmerlen Yes! A creepy dude was trying to sneak up on me but these kids @ the gas station saw and alerted me, scared him off. :(

"I could have paid HALF price for a WHOLE Asian." -DMD

THESE HOUSE FLIES ARE OUT OF CONTROL, IF THERE IS A GOD WOULD HE BE SO KIND AS TO SMITE THEM ALREADY

Why buy the cow when blah blah blah

I hate the crusade for a new deodorant. Nothing feels right and I smell like weird, powdery, sour fruit.

I'm constantly showing all my cards all the time. I'm like holding them backwards.

@davemode GET OFF MY LAWN

Embarrassed that Cee-Lo even recorded a censored version of the new jam. "Forget You," indeed.

Back to work at Lush! "Yeah, moderately priced soaps are my calling."

@gimmeardelle Dude. I work at a SOAP STORE and I can't bring myself to up my hygiene game. We also sell dry shampoo, so you know..

Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"