The new, cooler Ben

@solanaceae555 Thanks mom

@bensgloriouslie This is a good tweet

The closest America ever gets to Japan is Buc-ee's. Perfectly clean & polite with a cute furry mascot. I'm fascinated by this cultural singularity

Need to get back at an ex? Adopt the highway beside their house. The cost is trivial and they'll never be allowed to forget you

An avid X user dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, God offers to answer any question they have. The Tweeter asks, "Just one. What's the correct answer to the button question?" God responds: "The blue button" The X user pauses, nods, and says, "Wow. The virtue signaling goes even higher than I thought".

Contact lenses prey on the optimistic. Of course there's nothing strange about going to bed with perfect vision. My vision deserves to be perfect

@kimberlycaritas BANGER POST ALERT 🗣🔥🔥

making my bed but shaking my head the whole time so everyone knows I disagree with Jordan Peterson

You're telling me that one, possibly even two men were SHOT and it's still the hottest spot north of Havanna? This is just a Thing That Happens between choruses? Downright mythological levels of commitment to clubbing

Copacabana has made me realize the secret to reviving party culture is to get a lot cooler with the idea of dying at the party

@ChivalryFella THANK you, I am way too eager to stuff my face into the e-toilet every morning again

@bensgloriouslie Welcome back

Reeve Carney debuted his Gatsby on Broadway and I'm highly suspiscious that it's only because his real life wife Eva Noblezada is Daisy because that man does not have Gatsby energy at all. No amount of hair gel and swagger can convince me he belongs in that suit

"Wow Ben you never post about theatr-" yes. This tweet was inspired. Thank you for recognizing quality.

@solanaceae555 @MapleflowerVT Instructions unclear, my ketchup/honey made the rice too soggy

@MapleflowerVT @bensgloriouslie The privilege of dating an Asian

I tried making fried rice, but I forgot that as a white person im not allowed to buy fish sauce or sesame oil anymore, so all i had to season it was american cheese and mayonnaise 🤦‍♀️

@solanaceae555 @pastapilled I would fold in seconds

@pastapilled @bensgloriouslie

(trying to make a white guy consider my feelings) you are hurting the dog in me

@solanaceae555 @WeirdAfFishes omg ME

@WeirdAfFishes @bensgloriouslie

My problem is I always want a sparkling lavender lemonade or some bullshit

@solanaceae555 Where is the sign up link I can't find it?? Hello?

In light of the recent discourse I am here to say that I've decided I will marry a white boy. Was mostly on the fence about it for a long time but I'll do it, just for the racists

@kingbolby Perhaps calling it "the cinema" is what makes it lonely

That shit is fun as hell

@solanaceae555 @goobygirl2 I dunno how I'm gonna make it if I'm being honest

@goobygirl2 @bensgloriouslie

problematic wake up time gap

Taking this pill so I never lose that dog in me

@solanaceae555 Wow, I knew I liked you for a reason

@bensgloriouslie Dude I love grabber claw games and I’m GOOD at them but the claws here are so useless that the toys are too heavy and fall back down

Very pleased by this post. There's something very primal and joyous about seeing a cute object being gently lifted by a claw. It must be a holdover from hunter/gatherer instincts