Bernie Thoughts

WHAT IF TALL PEOPLE DIDN’T HAVE BIGGER BONES BUT JUST MORE BONES

IN A QUIET THEATER YOU CAN REALLY HEAR ALL THE NOISES WE—AS A SPECIES—INVOLUNTARILY MAKE

WHEN I TALK I AM SIMPLY READING MY BRAIN OUT LOUD

FIRST WE ARE FORCED INTO EXISTENCE—THEN WE LINE THE POCKETS OF BILLIONAIRES FOR MEDICINE—THEN WE RETURN THE MIDDLE PART IS ALL WE CAN CONTROL

HAVING FRIENDS IS A KIND OF ENTERTAINMENT SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE

THE BEACH NEEDS A GOOD VACUUM

HAD TWO IDEAS TODAY: THAT HEALTHCARE IS A HUMAN RIGHT AND THAT THE GOOSE’S POWER TO INTIMIDATE OTHERS STEMS FROM ITS ABILITY TO GROW SUCH A NECK

NOW THAT I AM THE FRONTRUNNER I ONLY EAT THE CELEBRITY HAM

ALL I’M SAYING IS AMERICANS CAN HAVE A LITTLE SOCIALISM—AS A TREAT

ARE DOGS ALLOWED IN THESE VEGAN RESTAURANTS—NOT ONLY ARE THEY CARNIVOROUS—THEY THEMSELVES ARE ANIMALS

MOST ANIMALS WHAT THEY DO IS JUST VIBRATE

ONE OF THE BIGGEST SCAMS IS BAY LEAVES—WE PUT THEM IN AS WE COOK AND YET WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY DO

TENNIS IS A GAME WHERE NO ONE WANTS THE BALL

BOBODY

WHY MUST WE EVER THINK ABOUT THE PLURALITY OF WAYS IN WHICH TO SKIN A CAT WHILE—MUCH LESS GROTESQUE—THOUGH STILL ODD—THERE MANY—PERHAPS INFINITE—WAYS TO COOK AN EGG

IF JUICE IS SOUP SMOOTHIE IS BISQUE

PLAYS ARE LIKE MOVIES EXCEPT YOU’RE THE CAMERA

WHAT IS THE PREFERABLE MODIFICATION TO OUR UNIVERSE

GOING OUT IS THE NECESSARY EVIL THAT ALLOWS US THE PLEASURE OF GOING HOME

THE SOLUTION TO AT LEAST THREE PROBLEMS IS EATING SEAGULLS