Andy Mellilo

Are you better off than your grandparents were? That means you should shut the fuck up.

Urinals are how I know I didn't accidentally step into the women's room.

I drink a lot of coffee that I usually brew myself but I just had two small cups of plain starbucks and feel like I am on adderall. Does this make Howard Schultz the Escobar of #caffeine #Starbucks

@hologramvin Being personally cisgender does not make me automatically make me this insecure.

@TheDailyShow Are they actually upset that a president wore proper safety gear for a sport while in public view? Seems like a good thing...

Today, we remember the time Obama wore a bike helmet, the worst scandal in presidential history.

Wife: men have chest hair so women can pull it out.

If youre angry about the college cheating scandal wait till you hear that public school budgets are determined by local property taxes and that the rich cordon themselves off into segregated municipalities to hoard resources from poor communities of color who get stuck w charters

It is exceptionally difficuly to hide the fact that your nose is running while you are explaining something one on one to a person.

My daughter this morning: "eggs bruh! You just get chickens and you raise them and they give you eggs bruh!"

Malaysian authorities found two warehouses full of the most trafficked mammal in the world. bit.ly/2DA0hU7

@vicenews Went to high school in Oklahoma then to OU in Bush 2/Obama eras. The slow draining of funds from the public school system is palpable. Coming from Massachusetts, a state that invests in education, it was a shock.

Public school teachers earned 19% less than workers with similar levels of education and experience in 2017. That’s up from just a 3% gap in the mid-90s. Last year, we spoke to Oklahoma teachers who said they were leaving the profession for good. This is what they told us.

We need insects, and their populations are collapsing worldwide bit.ly/2GD14GY

Oh my god. This is just sensational. Please watch and retweet.

@StephenAtHome I wonder how they will manage to keep the Moscow hotel room scene tasteful

The sequel to "The Post" is going to be NC-17.

Hunger is the best sauce

The Way of heaven profits without destroying. Doing without outdoing is the Way of the wise.

People whose power is real fulfill their obligations. People whose power is hollow insist on their claims.

@altonbrown Duck fat.

Since there is no legal definition of "superfood" I have decided that a "superfood" is: any food that is or tastes like either French fries or bourbon. #whatsonyourlist?

Who are they? What are their names?