bushwitches

Just coined the phrase lines n wines you’re welcome and happy Friday

Should I be concerned my Uber driver is reading a print out of road instructions? #floridadrivers

Or maybe I’ll move now

Fort Lauderdale is like most US cities in that people turn in around 9 with the exception of the gay men who make up 80% of the population and stay out dancing to disco music like it’s studio 54 circa 1975 and this is why I will live there when I retire

I don’t think I’ll ever love anything more than I love dancing and I’m okay with that sorry boys

The German language can sum up 2020 in 2 words

VAX girl summer. That’s it. That’s the tweet.

Upside is if COVID hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have figured out my true calling in life which is laying in bed sending my friends a highly curated assortment of memes

Pre COVID, scrolling IG or Tiktok was a break from real work throughout the day now it’s entirely the other way around - like please stop sending me urgent emails you’re distracting me from sharing memes

When you wake up and the first text you send is “want to get a drink tonight” is that bad

My first waking thought every Monday morning is how can I cancel everything I’m supposed to do this week with the least possible damage

When the sushi restaurant sends 6 sets of chopsticks with my dinner order I feel unfairly judged.

Saturday night plans

You’ll find it somewhere around the earths molten core

One of life’s greatest pleasures these days is getting out of a hot shower soaking wet, running across my freezing apartment, nose diving under the covers of my bed to dry myself off then taking a two hour nap

Literally late for everything in life but somehow my Sunday night panic attacks arrive right on time every week

When anyone asks how my day/week/year has been

When you wake up after sleeping for 12 hours but you’re still exhausted and hungover from that one night you stayed out too late a week ago is my definition of being 30

When will Spotify create a playlist called Tiktok?

Do you ever read through your iPhone notes and wonder where it all went wrong?