Justin™

been wearing this operation ivy shirt so long now it’s a rancid shirt

Uff I love this So very true phttps://www.instagram.com/p/DWGd0NkicIc/?igsh=Y2Q0NmNiMjc3NQ==

Fish explaining people: The shallow ones got no shoes, the medium depth ones got floppy rubber shoes, and the real deep ones got cement

If yo want me to watch your movie then don’t put Kevin O’Leary in it you fucking morons. That’s like putting Trump in a Home Alone movie NOW

Your favourite comedian’s favourite comedian’s server at brunch one time

@TheWapplehouse escher roly-polying in his grave

a haiku has like seventeen syllables right so i got two left

Next we got haiku improv. I just need a volunteer to suggest a 17 syllable word

Strange how flippers actually make it harder to do a flip. Very impractical shoe

If I’ve learned anything from Conner O’Malley it’s that he’s probably a state agent trained and deployed to help normalize AI in demographics that otherwise detest it

If you enjoy the sequel to The Nun you’ll be Nun II pleased

I witnessed a real life ratatouille situation on the subway, but instead of cooking the rat was teaching the guy to scream and freak the fuck out

Not everyone can relate, but you know that little dance you gotta do to adjust your junk in public? I call it the ballroom blitz

it’s bad luck if you don’t extinguish every candle in the urinal cake

fruit roll-up up the rim to win

I’m at the park shooting hoops when this horse comes out of nowhere, trots right up to me, and asks if I wanna play a game of H-U-M-A-N

If I was Lou Bega I woulda added a verse where Erica and Rita talk about video games. That way Mambo No. 5 would pass the Bechdel test

Halfway through this Mambo Supreme movie and still zero mention of Angela, Pamela, Sandra, or Rita. Not even a little bit of Monica

Unicorns loved playing leapfrog, which is why they went extinct. Every joyous jump they risked getting gutted like a tauntaun. Rainbow innards everywhere

Leapfrog is a bullshit game. I’ve seen frogs in nature. They go around

*comedian sinking in quicksand* more like slowsand, am i right?