Pasta Fazool

Chairs are pretty great. You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Beer before wine, beat up a mime.

I didn’t go to the dentist for a decade. That helped me save a ton of money on both dentist appointments, and second dates I didn’t have to go on.

I don't want to say I was poor growing up, but the Adidas my mom got me had four stripes.

The song Under the Boardwalk is proof that exhibitionism is nothing new.

I am living proof that any girl can marry a doctor as long as she's not too fussy about the specialty.

Nintendo is suing the US government over Tariffs. They’re requesting 100 gold coins and a free life.

I’m about to be 43. I’m young enough that people would be surprised if I died, but old enough that they’d get over it pretty quickly.

I knew a war with Iran was a bad idea, but I don’t want to say Ayatollah’d you.

@michikoconuts Hello!

@chrisdowning Hey pasta

Bill Gates has admitted to having two affairs while he was married. It goes to show you, even a nerd with a bad haircut can get laid.

Bill Gates has admitted to having two affairs while he was married. He really threw the sanctity of his marriage right out the windows.

And I thought Fred Durst ruined red hats.

They just started the pregame show for next year’s superbowl.

Trumpers are going to be so disappointed when they figure out that despite his name, kid rock isn’t underage.