Kandace Medina

Nationwide egg shortage due to chicken coup.

Literally tweeting for a sketch

Favorite battle of my career.

I just wanna be successful enough to have an airbrush t-shirt guy on retainer.

“Kick rocks” is an elitist level diss.

Always & forever a friend & fan of the greatest news talent to hit the screen.

A woman hits a certain age where her only two hobbies are smudging & NYT crosswords. (big flex)

@bbonix Based.

Two random groups of women I met on two totally separate occasions at Aria in Las Vegas (who don't live in Las Vegas btw) are currently right now both posting from Aria in Las Vegas we live in a simulation

The worst part about hiccups is everyone having an opinion.

2023 is my year! to relapse. 🥳

“I want to spend forever with you” is just code for murder-suicide.

Damn. Migos gonna be stuck on the tarmac.

I’ve never actually edged but I have seen the movie Tár.

Magic isn’t even that cool if consider that it’s just stealing.

I’ll never go fully vegan because I love horse-betting too much.

No one: Homophobic dudes with fantasy football teams: “I beat his ass with my tight end.”

I’ve been murdering Life. I pour the milk first.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than being the perpetrator in a murder-attempted suicide.

@POTUS Joe Biden rn:

I’m not strong enough to work at an ice cream shop — physically, nor mentally.