Comedywire

Signs the end is near: • All the Kool-Aid is gone • The billionaires are escaping into space • You just paid off your student loans

Signs you've eaten too much candy: • Your waistline went from Fun to King Size • Your pronouns are now "Her/Shey" • Your dentist named their boat after you

Signs your campaign is too dirty: • Steve Bannon thinks you took things too far • You changed your name to Meta • Even dead people don't want to vote for you

Worst things to hear at the World Series: • "And now we go to the top of the 15th inning..." • "Did you see the great seats Steve Bartman got?" • Joe Buck

Signs you've spent too much time on social media: • You see your baby falling and you grab your camera • At the end of your session, you ask your therapist to "like and subscribe" • You speak in 280 characters or less

Signs you're living in a reality show: • Your cat just told you she needs a better contract • You refer to all your relationships as ‘alliances’ • When you get naked, your genitals become blurry

Signs it's time to buy a new computer: • Your cat won't even sit on it • The little paperclip tells you to • You're Hunter Biden

Signs you're at a bad seafood restaurant: • The waiter asks if you've seen a crab crawling around with a gunshot wound. • The lobsters pick you. • They're known for their cheddar biscuits. #NationalSeafoodBisqueDay

Worst things to hear in a science lab: • "Some say monster, I say Nobel Prize." • "Define 'too much radiation.'" • Nickelback

Unexpected ways a boss can make their employees happy: • Getting over their obsession with productivity • "Casual Sex Fridays" • Launching themselves into space... and actually staying there this time #BossDay

Reasons cake is better than pie: • You don't have to pretend to care about cake crust • Pi is only good for measuring a cake's circumference • Rarely does a stripper jump out of a pie #NationalDessertDay

Signs it's time to find a new gym: • Your gym is called "2.4 Hour Fitness" • The shower is on OnlyFans • The pool is inflatable

Signs you've had too much coffee: • Your 23 and Me came back and you're 33% dark-roasted • The cat's holding the laser pointer and you're the one chasing it • The people at Starbucks are actually spelling your name right

Ways to make the DMV more fun: - Pin the tail on the eye chart - Change it to the "Department of Motörhead Vehicles" - Make it a drive-through

Signs you have a dumb dog: • He never responds when you ask who the good boy is. • He chases cars. Parked ones. • He's refusing to take the vaccine.

Tell me you're from the South without telling me you're from the South: "Aww, this topic? Bless your heart." "Have you tried this new dating app? It's called Ancestry.com." "I have COVID."

Signs you're staying at a bad hotel: • They changed the name to "Worst Western" • When you call about the dead hooker in the bathtub, they offer to replace her with a fresh one. • Two words: Incontinental Breakfast

Signs the pumpkin spice craze has gone too far: - They added it to the Covid vaccine to make it more popular. - Pumpkin spice tampons. - It's April.

Things you shouldn't say to the President: "Oops, I meant to say don't press that button." "Help! Your approval has fallen and it can't get up." "Can I borrow your son's laptop?"

Signs it's time to buy a new phone: - When you dial, you are sick and tired of saying “one ringy dingy.” - It won’t let you check your MySpace acct. - You bought it yesterday.