cory

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂 [shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah] me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

cop: do you know why i pulled you over me: no cop: guess haha 😛 me: what cop: i feel like you don’t like me 🙁

this is the ideal relationship. anything else is just bullshit

me: stop guy who’s hobby is spelunking: [trying to get under my couch] i think i can fit

wife: please just don’t say anything stupid me: ok [later at dinner with her coworkers] me after a lull in the conversation: roosters lowkey be waking up early as hell lol them: what me: i said roosters be waking up early

my date: i love finding nemo, have you seen it me who hasn’t seen the movie but saw a clip of the part where the guys take nemo into the boat: yeah my favorite part is when they eat him

[talking to my highschool quarterbacks 5 month old son] that guy used to throw the fucking football to me you don’t fucking get it bro

i swear to god if i see one more incel post about how women hate men or another post about how shitty men are i’m going to lose my mind. do you people not know anyone that is nice. are you all insane. why is my tl full of this bullshit

@hennyzane idoits

@coolmathgame_ smh i hate this shit two

it’s spelled “don’t”.. there’s an apostrophe. ever heard of a frickin book? it’s called working out youre are brain. maybe you should try it dumbass

i just found out if you bring a gun into mcdonald’s they will make you pretty much anything

Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Bartender: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Palmer: Mm..its good..I just invented it

@Daniellavromeo i’ve watched this movie 6 times already

@coolmathgame_ Inject it into my veins

horror movie lovers be like i love that movie it made me feel fucking awful and horrible and really scared

@dancebunny04 @parasytep8 walking out of the theatre to the loud ass crying was a fucking experience

@coolmathgame_ @parasytep8 the atmosphere when the lights came on made me evacuate and cry in my car

@flintdurr banger

@coolmathgame_ skinamarink.😃

@RustyHerzog obsession inspired this post i felt like fucking shit after it

@coolmathgame_ The Lodge. Obsession. Hereditary. Lords of Salem. The Witch. The Stepford Wives. I'd recommend these to anyone but I rarely rewatch them.

@parasytep8 yeah that was my favorite but i think its obsession now. i’ve never felt worse leaving a movie theatre than i did after that watching it last night lmao. gonna go back tn

@coolmathgame_ Hereditary made me feel like shit 10/10

@hennyzane lmao yeah

@coolmathgame_ this is actually you

i don’t even like bananas i’m just like a healthy guy would buy bananas

i love being like alright i need to get some toothpaste, let me go to the grocery store. then i come home with no toothpaste and some fucking bananas for some reason