Frankie Handstand

*me, on the streets of san francisco, surrounded by the elite* *me, looking at the elite* “fucking the elite. I love the fucking elite”

woman looks at me, “pissed” bc she “heard me fart.” go ahead and call the cops why dont you. do i as a man, have to go to jail, simply bc i love to rip ass in public?

when i see a 30 year old hunk sprinting to his gate in the airport, not only do i think “i wanna be that hunk,” i also think “i want that hunk in my trunk”

trying to explain to a girl that it was cute when i just farted loud at the cafe. She is not buying it. now im really feeling like a fish out of water

what can i say? Other than that i am pissed as hell. my 14 year old neighbor took a dirty dump on my kia sorrento bc he thought it was a brand new tesla model x

my subordinates at the factory keep calling me a fascist right to my face. I simply tell tjem i dont even know what that even means

scholars agree i’m the leading expert in pee pee poo poo technology.. then why the hell am i making minimum wage ??

so many people are telling us now “dont be a pervert”, but nobody is telling us the nuts and bolts of not being a pervert.i havent gone to the Y in almost 12 weeks

People make me mad as hell. I tell them “my husband is vegan” and immediately they think he’s a shrimp. My husband is not a shrimp.. he’s a vegan, but he’s super jacked and hella rich

how i became the first woman to pay my husband only 2 million dollars to be more silly with me

my boss fired me (all just because he saw 1000 pictures of my own ass on my phone?) ?? what the hell is going on anymore

sucking the living hell out of my baby bar (maXX strength vape) , wondering where all the time has gone (ages 12-16)

me as a 21 y/o man, looking at pics of David Foster Wallace— “how the fuck do i become like you?”

me *pulling the pb&j i packed for the flight out of my backpack* the person sitting next to me “excuse me i’m highly allergic to nuts could you please put that away” me “?? Shut the fuck up dawg. I am gunna eat this shit ”

this is my beef sandwich I ordered for the plane ride at terminal 3. there’s nothing that i love more than eating beef 10,000 feet up in the sky

“Me and my girlfriend are both aisle people. We like to sit in the aisle seat of the plane because we love to piss. So what we do is we book two aisle seats next to each other. Then we share bites of the complimentary seafood linguine and talk about netflix”

whats the difference between a pretty mouse and a pretty blouse? .. i don’t got 10,000 pretty blouses living in my garage

watching a movie like one with timothee or matt damon i wonder 1. does it literally get any better than this? 2. if this is the peak of human evolution, what’s next? 3. how many more years will mark zuckerberg be alive? 100? 200? 4000 more years?

im a buff and fun loving dude. 69 years and still young. super fit and tan. i’m basically a dog on hind legs

Broad Shoulders and a Skinny Neck: How i Went from Being One of America’s Top Salesmen to Being the Most Hated Man in the World