not active

Here's my master plan, in its entirety: Be nice to people.

@klemmteastwood Bambi and Faline were cousins

i’m joking. or am i

hey you know what’s weird to me. disney purposefully gave stitch a girlfriend in the lilo and stitch sequels but also technically every single one of the experiments is a cousin of his including her. we should address that

Kickstarter goodies

@eyerolls4days Happy Day to you!

I love Twitter birthday balloons.

A lumberjack in winter

Woke up from a dream in which I was being terrorized by an angry bee (yes, 1 bee). Not even a big one.

She said ""Give me six inches and make it hurt", so we moved to Minnesota and bought a snow shovel.

Very excited to be a part of this beautiful issue, in such good company. You can read my story, Mr. Frog, here: shenandoahliterary.org/711/mr-frog/

Read this. Read everything Alanna writes.

"the tits"

@heatherswan How did you get my address?!

Exciting: Three packages on porch Disappointing: None are addressed to me Hopeful: They MIGHT be for me

You're so vein, I bet you think this blood flows throughout you.

Bring me a United Shades of Benetton man for a Skittles Taste the Rainbow experience.

@Caffeine_Sam @SchmuckOnAHorse Pro tip: the proctologist rarely uses two fingers.

Not everyone who puts a finger up your ass is a proctologist.

You are what you eat therefore I am eating Gal Gadot at noon.

Don't forget to blow some shit up to celebrate Nobel Prize Day!

@TweetsByTheTony @quirkisms Whippersnapper! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

I'm high. -Maintenance Happy Friday!

Starting TONIGHT through Saturday we have the very funny @anylaurie16! Get your tickets here: acmecomedy.seatengine.com/events/48580