Tim O'Neill

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall ? ART

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves ? Russell.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the stairs ? Screamed her hands off.

Why don’t blind people skydive ? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

A man walks into a Zoo , and all it has is a single dog . It was a Shitzu.

What do you call Woody Woodpecker if his beak fell off ? Woody Headbanger.

I was in Costco yesterday, and a woman dropped dead in front of me. I felt really bad for her, she’d just bought a bag for life.

I was playing chess with a friend. He said let’s make this more interesting. So we stopped playing.

Two lions are walking down a supermarket aisle. One turns to the other and says, “ Quiet in here today, isn’t it ? “

What is Stevie Wonder’s favorite colour ? Corduroy.

What is the definition of endless love ? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis .

I took my blind wife to Paris for our anniversary. Well , she thought it was Paris.

What does Stevie Wonder’s wife do when they’ve had a fight ? She rearranges the furniture .

If smoking is so bad for you , how come it cures salmon ?

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver ? A bad golfer goes , WHACK ! “ Fuck ! “ A bad skydiver goes , “ Fuck ! “ WHACK !

How many bright , sensitive, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes ? Both of them.

The war in Iran has now cost the world economy an estimated $650 bn. To put that into perspective , that’s enough to cover Tiger Woods’ car insurance for a whole year.

What’s the difference between men and Government Bonds ? Government Bonds mature.

What do ginger people miss most about parties ? The invitation.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts ? Beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck.