Doug Funny

Career-aptitude test result: Crazy old dude who fails to warn teens away from cursed summer camps

*accidentally discovers the world of dogs in steampunk costumes* oh holy shit no

I'd like to return this calendar it goes too fast

When you stare into an abyss sometimes the abyss lights up a cigarette blows smoke in your face and says what are you looking at dumbass.

It's difficult to make a maple syrup balloon but worth it if you really want to surprise your date

if you ever think your ideas aren't good enough just remember one day someone said 'let's put milk in cardboard boxes'

[therapy] this is dave his dad took off when he was 4 do you have any questions for him [raises hand] Yes Keith. Was your dad a helicopter?

DENTIST: say 'Ahh' KID: *closes mouth* KIDS MOM: Sorry about this DENTIST: it's ok *pulls out a pistol* [Kid screams] DENTIST: thats perfect

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] ok

I should start paying more attention at the bus stop I almost tried to get on a fire truck

I want to have the kind of life where I'd use the phrase 'walking around money'

[In bed] Wife: do that thing that I like Me: [goes to sleep and doesn't snore] Wife: mmm... yeah

Judge: Bail is denied as the defendant is a flight risk Lawyer: OBJECTION Judge: On what grounds? Lawyer: Your honor my client is a penguin

I named my dog Google but he's just a dog. He doesn't know anything

I want to have the kind of life where I'd use the phrase 'walking around money'

Hope fb never disables me bumping 5 year old complaints on corporate pages

[Chicken driving to work] [R. Kelly's 'I Believe I Can Fly' comes on the radio] *chicken starts crying* I do...I really do.

Don't people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person's deeply held beliefs?

Americans if you want to do something good tomorrow why not cook or bake some treats and bring them to a firehouse?

My cyborg butler is malfunctioning and won't shut up I can barely sleep! [from the kitchen] Did you say you want barley soup