Kelvin Dorsey

The 43 Commandments of Email Copywriting Harken: These laws, they're not just for emails! No siree! They'll work their magic in your business, your family dynamics, your dating scene, and in every social encounter you find yourself in. You'll see. 1. Don’t Wing it, Ding-a-Ling Before you place your sticky digits on your keyboard, know exactly what you want to say. Most business owners have nothing to say and they keep on saying it. It’s a real problem. Sure, you can write a promotional email by guess or by gosh, but that’s what amateurs do. If you want amateur results, by all means, wing it. But if you want to leave the bush league of email marketing and enter the big league, then plan what you want to say. Sadly, planning is like eating spinach – everyone knows it’s beneficial but nobody does it. However, if you obey the following instructions on planning your promotional emails, heck, I’d wager that once you see its benefits, you’ll never write another promotional email without planning again. O.K. The details: Now, I could get cute and throw clever sayings at you like “The longer the think, the quicker the ink”, but I will spare you the quips. Look, just sit your arse down for 5-minutes and write down a quick outline of what you want to say. Don’t overthink it. If you’re one of those types who has to “plan to make a plan” and is always “getting ready to get ready”, knock that crap off now! Trust me on this, you’ll be shocked at how quick and easy writing becomes if you heed this commandment. The benefit of taking 5 minutes to plan your email is twofold: (1) It will kick writer’s block right in the nuts, and (2) words will start to flow like F-bombs from Gordon Ramsay’s lips. 2. Obey ‘The Rule of One’ Have ONE clear, concise, core message per email. Listen, a quirk in the Homo Sapiens’ brains is this: it only retains concepts or ideas that aren’t mixed with other ideas and concepts. That’s right, the human brain deals with ideas and concepts the way a food server at a prison chow hall serves inmates – one at a time. The human brain and a convoluted message are like Keith Moon and hotels – not a good mix. If you want your subscribers to remember what you say (write), then keep it pure and unadulterated. You know, whoever said “If you say three things, you say nothing”, is 100% correct. I repeat: Have ONE  clear, concise, core message. Comprendo? However… there’s a Ben Hur-sized caveat: You must say that one thing with impact. More on that later. *** BONUS: The “rule of one” goes for selling, too. If you wanna perk up your sales conversion rate, sell one thing at a time. 3. Use The “Zuckerberg” Salutation How you greet your subscribers is up to you. “Hello”. I wouldn’t recommend it… “Greetings”. Not bad… “Good morning”. Not a good idea if you’re international… But whatever it is you choose, stick with it. I mean use that salutation every single time. I do. My salutation is as follows: “Dear subscriber… “ Why do I use that every single time? I do it for the same reason a dog licks its balls – because I can! Too grossomundo? Okay, here’s a more dignified reason: I use the same salutation every single time for the same reason Mark Zuckerberg wears the same outfit every day – it’s one less thing to think about. Listen, writing promotional emails is hard enough without trying to think of what salutation to use. Mental Bandwidth is finite… don’t waste it on the trivial. Same salutation… EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. 4. Make Yer Intros Snappy, Jack! Let’s define the word “snappy”, shall we? I don’t want to insult your intelligence (that means talking to someone as if they’re a complete dummy), but I need to make sure we are on the same bill of lading. Snappy means: concise, succinct, memorable, clever, and crisp, okay? Now, burn this into your brain: People barely read today. Do you get that? The only thing that has a steeper decline than Mount Everest is the reading habits of people in first-world countries. And, no…. reading Facebook posts and Tweets does not make you a reader any more than watching fireworks makes you an astronomer, okay? Now, understand this: People’s attention spans nowadays are shorter than Bruno Mars doing the limbo. People get bored halfway through reading a fortune cookie! You know, I heard Bill Cosby (just before his conviction), stopped spiking women’s drinks and got them to read a book instead. Apparently, it had the same effect. It’s just a rumor. The point is this: it’s hard enough getting bookworms (the minority) to read your promotional emails, much less non-readers (the majority) Listen, if you want to write obnoxiously good intros that suck in readers like a souped-up Kerby vacuum cleaner, obey these two monkey-simple rules: (1) keep e’m short, and (2) keep ’em interesting. Easier said than done? Does Pinocchio have a wooden di… never mind. Of course it’s easier said than done… but after you’ve read all 43 commandments, you’ll be armed to the teeth with clever ways to write snappy intros, okay? So chin up! 5. Avoid “Design Creep” at All Costs Look at the average promotional email today. They’re an orgy of fancy fonts, images, and logos with so many queer colors even Elton John would consider it too gay looking. It’s HTML gone wild! What it really is, dear reader, is a case of “image over substance”. People get sucked in by all the fancy bells and whistles and templates designed by tech geeks who are mostly clueless about direct-response- marketing. These tech geeks get their jollies by designing the most sophisticated designs known to mankind. Listen, all that stuff is just beautiful nonsense. It only distracts from the one thing that matters: THE WORDS! This overuse of graphics and colors only fragments and dilutes your subscriber’s focus and attention to the sale message. Understand this: You could be the world’s greatest graphic designer, but if your emails have weak sales copy and lousy offers, your sales conversion rate will suck more than airplane toilets. Moral of the story: a turd rolled in glitter is still a turd. Look, if you’re selling T-shirts or shoes, I guess images can help, but mostly, you should ditch all the bells and whistles and have the sole focus on your sales message. It’s the sales message that matters most. It’s about the sales copy. The sales copy the sales, the sales copy, the sales copy!!! Do you copy? 6. Never Make a Point Without a Story and Never Tell a Story Without a Point Making a point without a story is like a nun with a big rack – it’s a real waste. Make your points memorable, Freckles – wrap them in a story. Okay, let’s say that you, dear reader, wanted to make the following point: A marketer should stop thinking like a marketer and start thinking more like a customer. Now, that’s a good point, actually… it’s a very, very good point, however… if you don’t wrap that point up in a story, believe you me, it will fall on deaf ears. In my book, that’s unforgivable.  So, wrap that point up (think less like a marketer and more like a customer) in a little tale, like so: Once upon a time… … there was a fisherman who was so good at fishing, he had gained legendary status in his community. The women wanted him. The men wanted to be him. The local fisherman called him The God of Rods. In local taverns, his name was uttered with great reverence and awe. This man dominated all the local fishing competitions. His name was constantly at the top of the honor board… and… he was on the cover of Sport Fishing magazine more times than Mick Jagger appeared on the cover of Rolling Stones. And… he did it all with no muss, no fuss. In fact, he outfished his competition with a rinky-dink boat and old-as-dirt fishing tackle. This always puzzled the other fishermen who all had the latest and greatest fishing tackle and state-of-the-art fishing boats. At the local bars, the following question was always raised and debated with great passion: How does this guy pull in so many fish with his old boat and embarrassingly old fishing tackle? Well, one fine day our hero fisherman boogies downtown and runs into an old friend. The legend fisherman greets his buddy: “Hey, Barry, what’s happenin?” “Ah, I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife!”, replies his buddy. “Best trade you ever made, Barry!”, quips the legendary fisherman. They both chuckle, and then his buddy asks: “I gotsta ask yer.. what’s yer secret to fishing? Your mastery of fishing is undeniable. How is it you always catch the most fish and the biggest fish?” “Okay, Barry, I’ll let you in on my secret. Now, try as I might, Barry, I can’t make my brain work like the average fisherman. Maybe it’s my mother not drinking when she was pregnant. I just don’t understand why all the local fishermen obsess over their fishing equipment. And therein lies the secret to my success. You see, Barry, when all you jackwagons are buying fancy lures or bait, upgrading your rods to the newest model, and gettin’ your jollies by playing with your newfangled sonar fish finders… I’m out there studying the fish! I study their feeding habits, how they feed, when they feed, their migration habits, their reaction to currents, how they behave in different types of waters, how they feed in different seasons, and the relationship they have with the ocean and the weather conditions. You jackwagons study everything about fishing except the one thing that counts – the fish! And that’s why I whup all your arses every fishing comp, every year. And could do it anywhere, anytime, anyplace. Barry, if you wanna catch more fish, stop thinking like a fisherman and start thinking like a fish.” *** Bottom line: Never make a point without telling a story. Points, facts, and figures roll off the human brain like water off Antonio Banderas’ hair, but stories stick to the brain like crap on a rug. Hey, this lesson inside that story is so dang important, it’s the next commandment. 7. Stop Thinking Like a Marketer and Start Thinking Like a Subscriber If you want to enjoy the sweet spoils of business that come from consistent, reliable, and regular sales, then get inside the heads of your subscribers. Study them the way the legendary fisherman studied fish and their habits. Knowing your product or service is small and easily eaten potatoes compared to knowing your market. It’s not the email copywriter with the best product that wins in business, it’s the email copywriter who has the best knowledge of their market that wins! Think on it. 8. Master Direct Response Marketing There is no more powerful thing you can do for your business than to master direct response marketing. Direct response is simply any marketing message that gives the reader/listener a direct and clear action for the reader to take that’s in their best interests. Not YOUR best interests… THEIR best interests. The call to action may be to visit your website, buy your wares, or boogie on down to your brick-and-mortar. Whatever the deal, remember this: No Call To Action – No Action! No Action – No Money, Honey! That all said, direct response marketing ain’t all roses. The pube in the soap is this: for direct response marketing to work (bring in a bundle of money), one must have a deep understanding of dynamical systems fractional differential equations. Nah, I’m kidding. No, the one skill that makes the direct response marketing magic happen is… … Copywriting! See next commandment: 9. Get Your Black Belt in Copywriting Most business owners (I’d estimate 98%) have the copywriting acumen of a bucket of pig shit and their sales and marketing knowledge wouldn’t fill a teaspoon. This is good news, so long as you’re not one of them. Look, if you read the books mentioned below, you’ll be light years ahead of the average business owner. Hell, you’ll be lightyears ahead of most pro marketers. Kelvin Approved Copywriting Books: (1) The Boron Letters ~ Gary Halbert (2) Scientific Advertising ~ Claude Hopkins (3) Letter Book ~ Robert Collier (4) Breakthrough Advertising ~ Eugene Schwartz (5) Tested Advertising Methods ~ John Caples (6) How To Write a Good Advertisement ~ Victor O Schwab (7) The Ultimate Sales Letter ~ Dan Kennedy (8) The 16-Word Sales Letter  ~ Evaldo Albuquerque (9) Kick-Ass Copywriting Secrets Of A Marketing Rebel ~ John Carlton (10) Triggers ~ Joe Sugarman 10. It’s the Market, Stupid It’s easier to sell a half-eaten apple to a starving man than to sell a sizzling steak to a man who’s just eaten. The point? The market is more important than the product. Give each attention accordingly. Think on it. Okay, so that one’s more of a proverb than a commandment. Whatever. 11. Expound Upon Thy Product or Service’s benefits At what point in the email sales process does money exchange? Ah, forget it. I’ll just tell you. The cash register will ring when…. … The Subscriber believes the Value of Your Product or Service Exceeds The Asking Price! Once a subscriber feels they are getting more value than the asking price, he’ll start wanting your product more than the money in his pocket. Now lean in closer for a minute. The following is important. Now, every product or service benefit you can clearly and powerfully get across to your subscribers will decrease the price tag in your subscribers’ minds. In other words, by magnifying the value of your product, you automatically dwarf the price. How exactly do you build the perceived value of your product or service in your subscribers’ minds? I’m glad you asked. Well, I going to share a little excerpt from Dan Kennedy’s book, The Ultimate Sales Letter, that explains how to build the perceived value of your product or service. Here it is: Instead of just saying: an apple a day keeps the doctor away, do this: List every vitamin and mineral provided by the apple, then list every health benefit delivered by each of those vitamins and minerals. You might then show the huge bulk of other foods you’d have to consume to get those same nutrients and benefits – all to turn that little apple into a huge bulk of value. *** See how that works? Next. This one’s from the same book. This technique is about revealing to your subscriber all the behind-the-scenes stuff, the costs and expenses of making your product or service. In other words, you show the blood sweat and tears that have gone into coming up with your product or service. The example Kennedy uses below is to sell a piece of automated industrial equipment (sounds exciting, doesn’t it?) *Note, there are two versions. The first version is done in a way that most hack email marketers would do it (i.e., by adding zero value in a stunningly adept fashion) The second version is written in a way that creates so much value it makes this boring piece of machinery seem more valuable than NASA’s Space Shuttle Orbiter. You be the judge. Read both versions below. Version #1 It automatically selects the right amount of materials, fills the bag, seals it, and stacks it in an extraordinarily durable system, good for tens of thousands of repetitions without needing maintenance. Okay, now check out the next version which is selling the exact same piece of machinery. Version #2 Our company recruited a brain trust of eight of the very best, most knowledgeable robotics engineers in the industry today to design this system. No expense was spared in obtaining the services of these experts. The prototype system was run over six months of laboratory tests at a cost of over $1 million before being placed in an actual working environment. In the ultimate test, we put it through 15,000 repetitions, and it performed perfectly and never needed even a minute of downtime or maintenance. You can count on this system to select the right amount of material every time, fill the bag, seal it, and stack it in the carton without error. With over $3 million worth of research and quality control backing you up, you’ll finally have a least one piece of equipment working for you that is as reliable as God’s sunrise. *** Hoo-ha! The difference in perceived value is night and day, ain’t it? Version #2 cleverly stacks value upon value upon value. All that “perceived value” caused the “perceived price” to drop like Lizzo on a seesaw. And, it was done in an extremely vivid way, too. And that’s what it takes, my friend. You see, the way to get your subscribers to willingly whip out their credit cards and buy is to show them how much MORE valuable your product will be in their lives than without it, and how much MORE valuable your product or service is than the dollar price you’re asking them to part with. Another value-building secret: Extend the “time horizon” of your product or service’s value. In other words, show your subscribers that not only will your product or service help them today, but it will also help them way, way into their future. For example, if you sell car tires, don’t just talk about the immediate benefits of driving a car with tires that affectionately hug the corners and stick to wet roads like shit on a shovel, but also talk about the future benefit: money saved because these tires last longer than normal tires. Look at your product or service. Are you only yapping on about immediate benefits? Think of all the future benefits your product or service can give your customers and clients, too. And yet another value-building secret: Extend the product or service “roles”. Here’s where you show your subscribers all the different ways your product or service can help them that they’re probably not aware of or thinking about. For example, if you’re promoting a book club, then you could jokingly say that you’re considering changing your book club name to The Matchmaking Book Club because so many of your members have made romantic connections. That’s a big benefit of going to a book club they may not have thought about. Silly example, but you catch my drift, right? Okay, want another? Awrite. Now, this one’s a goodin’. It’s this: Don’t just give a product benefit, give the benefit of the benefit. For example, if you’re selling a fitness program whereby the unique exercises tone all the muscles in the body, then don’t just write: It tones all the muscles in the body. Stop and ask yourself, “Hmm, what’s the benefit of that?” Well, it seems to me the benefit of that would be a slimmer and younger-looking appearance. So, write this: Tones all the muscles in the body – giving you a slimmer and younger-looking appearance. And voila! You’ve just doubled the potency of your benefit. Huh? You say you want another? Jeez, the nerve of you! Okay, okay. Show them how your product or service will save them money or how it will make them money or both. Does your special cloth rack extend the life of your clothes, thus saving you money on clothes? Will your course on persuasion and communication help them negotiate better business deals? Bonus: As much as people like saving their bucks, they like saving their time, especially successful people. (successful people always value time over money) Time is the one irretrievable commodity. Once it’s gone – it’s gone! Showing your subscribers how your product or service saves them time is one of the strongest appeals there is. Never forget that. 12. Kill-Off ALL Neediness The greatest leverage any negotiator can have… … is NOT their intellect, their strategy, their slick speech, their intimidation, their people skills, their planning, their value creation, their sales skills, their emotional intelligence, or their strategy. Nope. The greatest leverage a negotiator can have is… … The Willingness to Walk Away From The Deal! At the negotiation table, the power will always tilt in favor of the man who cares less. In other words, the man who wants the deal the most will always have less leverage. Neil McCauley (played by Robert DeNiro) in the movie The Heat was right, “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” Not letting yourself become too emotionally attached is key. Always keep in mind that things come and go. You miss out on a deal – no biggie. There will always be another. Unless you’re the unluckiest bastard on the planet, that is. But you’re not, are you? So, why all the neediness when writing your promotional emails, Freckles? As an email marketer, you should be the least nervous or needy. Of all the marketing mediums, email marketing has the most leeway. Hell, email’s more forgiving than Sharon Osbourne. It doesn’t matter how many times you screw up, Email will always take you back. With email marketing, you don’t get one chance to write a compelling pitch, you get many, many, many chances to perfect your pitch. I have three different lists that each have 90-day’s worth of emails loaded in my autoresponder. That’s 90 different pitches to sell my products. That’s 90 different opportunities to give another sales angle, answer objections, and hit on another product benefit. You know, whoever said tomorrow never comes didn’t know about email autoresponders. Bottom line: Stop caring so much about making the sale today! With email, there’s always tomorrow. In fact, with email, there’s today, tomorrow, the next day, and the next day, and so on and so forth. 13. Never Become Subservient When it comes to major sales killers, putting your prospects on a pedestal is second only to not properly qualifying your prospects. Sadly, most email marketers are more subservient, deferential, and tolerant than Archer’s poor beleaguered butler Woodhouse. Putting prospects on a pedestal is dumb, unnecessary, and truly pitiful. It smacks of neediness. It forces you to sell from your heels, as Mr. John Carlton (look him up) likes to say, which in turn, will beat your sales conversion rate to a pulp! Listen, everyone deserves courtesy – not everyone deserves respect. Respect is EARNED. Be courteous to your subscribers, sure, but NEVER, EVER… put them on a pedestal. You see, whenever you put someone on a pedestal, you are in effect, giving away your power. It’s like a bank robber handing over his gun to a bank teller while he tries to tie up his money bag. You know what I’m getting at, right? By giving away your power, I mean you are relinquishing your influence and ability to persuade. Listen closely: if you truly have a great product or service that delivers on all its promises, and you sell it at a fair price, then it is my contention that YOU have the power, NOT your prospect. You have the prize (your product or service) and YOU decide who has the privilege of buying from you. You wouldn’t let any old Joe Schmuck into your home, would you? Exactly. Then, by extension, you shouldn’t just let anyone become your client or customer. And… if a prospect is worthy to buy from you but doesn’t, then it’s their loss, not yours. Bare bottom line: Never put your subscribers on a pedestal. To quote American romance author, Teressa Murmmet, “If you put somebody on a pedestal, they can only look down upon you.” And from that position, you ain’t gonna influence Jack All or anybody. Look, if there’s anything that should be put on a pedestal, it’s this: Your Product or Service! Amen. 14. Sell With Chutzpah! Most writers I know are arrogant, stubborn, and bloody-minded. Well, at least the good ones. Yup, they are all character traits that make for a good email copywriter, too. Especially the “arrogant” part. I guess a better word would be cocksureness. Do you know what I’m getting at? I’m talking about having a real sense of conviction behind everything you say. This is a quality I never hear anyone talk about concerning sales, persuasion and copywriting. I believe it is one of the most crucial elements (if not the most crucial) when it comes to persuasion and influence. Alice was right on the money when she told the Mad Hatter the following wise words: … Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say! Listen, if your words were weighed on a scale, would they be considered heavy or light? Would they be full of authority, certainty, and conviction, or would they just be full of hot air? It all comes down to your level of confidence, my friend. Confidence is evident in every winner. Conversely, when you look around at the mediocre majority, you’ll find the one thing that appears universally with them is this: A Dearth of Self-Confidence! Andrew Carnegie once said, “Be a man who in his secret thoughts believes himself superior to most men, thus deserving of great wealth and power.” Right on, Mr... ... continue reading here: kelvindorsey.com/the-43-command…

I’m gonna try to weaken your so-called “steely resolve.”   Right now most of you sound like this: “I don’t need to fix my email marketing.” “I’ll just get more leads.” “I’ll figure it out later.”   That’s not resolve. That’s being an idiot with a subscription to delusion.   Here’s the reality: Your email list is sitting there like a gym membership you pay for every month but barely use. Full of potential. Completely overlooked, and slowly judging you.   Look, email isn’t magic, it’s leverage. It can turn one customer into repeat customers. It can turn traffic you already paid for, sweated for, or got lucky with, and turn it into money you don’t have to chase like a moron at the mall.   And no... sending “20% OFF, BUY NOW” every Tuesday is not a strategy any more than asking 100 women if you can sleep with them is a dating strategy.    Leading with discounts is digital panhandling. It’s you, hat in hand, begging strangers to care about your sad little product. Knock that crap off, Chi-Chi.   Now, the good news:   I write emails people love to open, read, and buy from without feeling like they just got mugged in their inbox.   So yes… I’m breaking your “resolve” before you waste another month, another $1,000, another iota of dignity chasing sales you’ll never see.   Website’s in the bio.

Let’s be honest... ... most products aren’t cool. They’re useful. Practical. Necessary. But cool? Naah. They’re about as cool as yodeling. And that’s fine. That’s normal. The job of a great copywriter isn’t to make the product cool. It’s to make it sound cool. You see, mostly, sales don't come from the product being cool. Sales come from the words around the product being cool. That’s where the money comes from, honey. Look, nobody thinks a mesh back-support office chair is cool. No. But write “ergonomic lumbar excellence” on it… and suddenly the guy who checks his bank app after every tap thinks he’s rebuilding his spine. He’s not. He’ll still throw his back out grabbing the remote. But for one beautiful moment, he believed. That's what I do. I make prospects believe. I take your sad, boring little product, your app, your supplement, your "artisanal" whatever, and I dress it up in language so good that people hand over their credit card information voluntarily. Which, if you think about it, is the only real magic left in the world. Website's in the bio.

So let's talk about relationships for a second. I'm gonna break this down for you because this is actually interesting, and most people are too stupid to figure it out. Listen, ALL relationships are transactional. Personal, business, whatever. You think your girlfriend loves you unconditionally? Please. You stop being attentive, you stop being successful, you gain 50 pounds and start playing the Playsation every night and let's see how unconditional that love is. It's all quid pro quo, it's all "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine. But here's the thing (and this is important), there's a hierarchy to these transactions. At the bottom, you got the purely transactional stuff with zero emotional investment. Like a prostitute. You hand over the cash, you get the service, nobody's exchanging Christmas cards. There's no loyalty, no love, no "Hey, how was your day?" It's pure commerce, baby. Now, at the tippy top of the relationship hierarchy, you got relationships with actual love, loyalty, trust, and respect. You know, the stuff that makes life worth living before we all die alone anyway. Now, business relationships. of course, all business relationships between buyer and seller are transactional. But understand this: The best business relationships have an extra layer. There's trust, there's respect, there's an actual human connection. And those business relationships are objectively better than the purely transactional ones. You ever have a mechanic you trust? That's worth its weight in gold. You don't price-shop that guy because you know he's not gonna rip you off. So why on earth is every ecommerce dipshit out there sending heartless, soulless emails like a robot? "Here's 20% off, buy now, click here." That's it. That's the whole strategy. It's the prostitute level of marketing! There's no relationship! You're just jamming a discount code in someone's face and hoping they'll spread their... wallet. But what if (crazy idea) what if you actually cared about your customers? What if instead of treating your customers like walking credit cards, you actually talked to them like they're human beings? What if your emails actually built trust, credibility, and likability? What if they looked forward to hearing from you instead of immediately hitting "unsubscribe" like you're a herpes medication spam? "Oh Kelvin, hat's pie-in-the-sky nonsense." No. NO. It's not flights of fancy, it's not garbage. What's garbage, Chi-Chi, is that 99% of business owners are too lazy or too stupid to try. Sure, it takes a genuinly talented email marketer to pull this off, and most AI-reliant email copywriters don't know bupkis about this level of business relationships. But when you find someone who can? Someone who can actually create that connection and STILL get you sales? Well, hell.... that's the whole ballgame right there. Alright, I'm done. Go hire someone who knows what they're doing. See website in bio.

I'm gonna keep this one caveman simple today. After all, this is social media, and people's IQ drops 15 points when interacting. It's just good science. OK. Listen up: Do you know the single most profitable email marketing strategy? The one strategy that reigns supreme above all others? Well, don't worry, Freckles, because I'm about to lay the answer at your feet. It's this: Getting your subscribers to know, like, and trust you. That's it. That's the most profitable strategy of them all. You either get it, or you don't. For those who comprehend it rightly.... See website in bio.

The surly, mean-spirited bastard is fascinating to me. This guy thinks civility is for the weak, warmth is a scam, and smiling is how the terrorists win. He walks into a room like he’s carrying unresolved issues from kindergarten. And somehow… he’s shocked that no one wants to deal with him. That’s about 80% of email copy out there. No charm. No self-awareness. Just transactional growling, like a disgruntled TSA agent who’s been divorced twice and actually enjoys the pat-down. Listen, I don’t care if you sell to Navy SEALs or muscleheads... if you’re all bravado and brashness without humility, heart, and genuine care…you become more annoying than a leaf blower at 7 am on a Sunday. People don’t care until they know you care. Cliche? Sure. True? More than you think, Freckles. If your email copywriter is all bravado with no warmth or genuine care for the people reading them... fire them! And this is coming from me: an email copywriter who insults his own subscribers for fun. But here’s the nuance, and it's important: my subscribers know I genuinely care about them (well, most of them) and they know every insult and outrageous line is tongue-in-cheek. Context is everything. You need to hire a copywriter who cares, and whose care comes through in the copy. And by the way, there’s no better way to show a client you care than by making them a boatload of money. That's the ultimate expression of caring, isn't it? Not feelings, not warm fuzzies... RESULTS! See website in bio.

Like Madonna and Cher, your emails should refuse to retire. If your list only hears from you during launches and discounts, you’re leaving mucho dinero on the table, Chi-Chi. Listen, if you know what you're doing (that narrows the field to a pitifully low number), you can email your list every damn day, make sales and ... have your subscribers thank you for it! We are, of course, talking about elite-level email copywriting here. If that's something you're looking for... trouble thyself no further. See website in bio.

If you have enough functioning brain cells (and I realize that's a big "if" for some people), you know that cheaper isn't always the smartest option. I mean, you can get cheap sushi at your local petrol station. It's right there, next to the beef jerky and the windshield wiper fluid. But you wouldn't eat it, would you? No. Because you don't want to spend the next three days on the toilet wondering if this is how it all ends. You understand that some things, food being one of them, are worth paying good money for. You can also let your friend's nephew cut your hair before a big date because he's "practicing" and he'll only charge you like ten bucks. Great! Now you look like you got attacked by a whipper snipper, and you're showing up to dinner looking like a Make-A-Wish kid. But hey, you saved twenty bucks! Yet this is the exact logic business owners use when hiring an email copywriter. "Oh, I found this guy in India. He'll write all my emails! For one hundred bucks!” Yeah, great. He’s also doing seventeen other clients that day, ChatGPT’s shitting out all of it, and his entire education in Western consumer psychology comes from dubbed episodes of Friends. Or better yet: "My cousin's girlfriend took a marketing class in college. She'll do it for free!" Fantastic. So your entire email strategy, the thing that's supposed to make you money, is being handled by someone whose biggest qualification is that they're related to someone you know and they need something for their portfolio. This is insane to me. You'll drop five grand on a new website design without blinking. You'll spend money on Facebook ads like you're setting cash on fire. But when it comes to the one thing that owns your audience and drives revenue (your email list... keep up), suddenly everyone's Mr. Frugal. Suddenly, it's "let's see if we can get someone cheap." You know what cheap gets you? Cheap results! Boring emails nobody reads or buys from. And then you sit there like a dumbarse thinking, "I guess email doesn't work!" No, email works great, Chi-Chi. Your bargain-basement copywriter doesn't work. This is your business we're talking about. See website in bio

Here’s a story as old as copywriting: You hire a copywriter. They write stuff that sounds smart, reads nice… and quietly does jack shit. Happens all the time. Most business owners get ripped off worse than some clueless tourist in a New Delhi taxi... you know the one: three rupees turns into thirty, the driver laughs in your face, and you’re stuck wondering how you got there. Stop paying for fancy words that don’t make you a dime. I write emails that actually earn their fare. That’s it. That’s the service. You get results, not essays. Website’s in the bio.

I’m going to keep this caveman simple, because it’s social media... and everyone gets about 15 IQ points dumber the second they open an app. That’s not an insult. That’s science. Okay, listen up. Everyone’s always asking, “What’s the most profitable email marketing strategy?” They assume it's some secret funnel, some AI hack, some guru nonsense you need a webinar and a password for. That's all beautiful nonsense. Look, it's very simple. The most profitable strategy is getting your subscribers to.... drum roll..................................................................... know you, like you, and trust you! That’s it. That's the one email marketing strategy that reigns above all others. You see, if people don’t know you, they don’t open your emails. If they don’t like you, they don’t read them. If they don’t trust you, they don’t buy. It's kinda sad I even need to explain that. Whatever. You either get this, or you spend the next five years tweaking subject lines and wondering why nothing works. If you get it, you know what to do. Website’s in the bio.

Should you rely on ChatGPT to write your promotional emails or hire a pro email copywriter? Ha! That's like asking, "Who's cooler, Jimi Hendrix or Acker Bilk?" First of all, if you don't know who Acker Bilk is, that's exactly my point. He's the guy who played "Stranger on the Shore" on the clarinet in 1961. Nice guy, I'm sure. Talented musician. But nobody's putting him on a t-shirt. Nobody's lighting their clarinet on fire at Monterey Pop. Conversely, Jimi Hendrix invented sounds that didn't exist before he picked up a guitar. He made the instrument talk. He's made it scream. He made grown men weep. In case you’re not catching on, ChatGPT is Acker Bilk. It's perfectly competent. It'll give you something that technically qualifies as "music"or in this case, "email copy." It follows the rules and hits the notes. But it's got all the soul of a Honda Civic owner's manual. A pro copywriter? That's Hendrix. That, my friend, is someone who understands the feel. Who knows when to break the rules. Who can read a room, or in this case, read your audience, and know exactly what's gonna make them open their wallets instead of hitting delete. You want generic? Use the robot. You want results? Hire the human. It's not complicated. See website in bio.

Spouting a few well-worn cliches seems to be the way here. So, I'll play along. Well, no cliche has been dragged out and abused more than this one: Just do it! You know, Nike may have captured the greatest tag line of all time with that little ditty. Well, I have a favorite saying that you may or may not have heard, and it reveals the big secret to why some people always seem to get ahead in life, and others always seem to be stuck. Awrite. Here it is: It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog that counts. Ah, isn't that lovely? Hallmark needs more dog-fighting sayings in their cards. Well anyway, the truth revealed in the above quote is this: Whatever you want to achieve on the spinning ball of mud we call Earth is gonna require a fight. And I'm not talking about a Rocky montage fight. Nope. A boring, grinding, annoying fight where nothing goes right and nobody claps when you show up. And the worst opponent? The arsehole in your bathroom mirror who keeps negotiating his way out of doing the work. That guy has killed more dreams than cancer and student loans combined. That's the guy you need to get on side. He (or she) must become your biggest advocate and help. Not your biggest enemy and hindrance. Ya follow? Good. Alrighty, no sales pitch today, Freckles. Just a righteous kick up the arse. Delivered with love, of course.

Behold a pitiful news headline: 2026 Olympics Broadcaster Apologizes After he's heard on hot mic calling snowboarding final "So Boring!" Oh, so now we're mad at the guy for telling the truth?! Some broadcaster (and God bless him) thinks his mic is off, and he says what everybody watching at home is thinking: “This is so boring.” And now he's gotta apologize? He's gotta do the media tour? “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult the brave snowboarders”… yes you did! And you were right! Snowboarding! Let me tell you about snowboarding. It's been the same event for thirty years. Guy goes down a hill. Does a spin. Lands. Or doesn't land, and then we watch it in slow-mo seventeen times while some announcer goes, “Ohhh, that's gonna cost him!” Then another guy goes. Does the same spin. But this time he grabs the board with his other hand. Gold medal! It's riveting! And you know what? The scores don't come out for forty-five minutes because they gotta consult the Romanian judge and figure out if that was a McTwist or a BackFlip 720 Crop Air or whatever they're calling it now. Look, wake me up when someone doesn't land it so at least something happens. But we can't say that! Oh no! We gotta pretend every Olympic event is incredible. We gotta act like watching someone slide down a mountain on their arse is the pinnacle of human achievement! You know what's boring? Curling. You know what else is boring? Most of the Winter Olympics! It's skiing, it's ice skating, it's more skiing, it's sliding down things on different equipment! The Summer Olympics has boxing. Sprinting. Stuff happens fast! Winter Olympics? “And here comes Norway in the biathlon... aaand he's skiing... still skiing... now he's stopping to shoot... missed one... back to skiing...” Listen, this broadcaster did us a service. He said what we're all thinking. And now he's gotta grovel because he violated the sacred code of pretending everything is fascinating. I'll tell you what… give that guy the gold medal. For honesty. Hey, speaking of honesty. You know what the single most underrated quality of email copy is? It's this: honesty! Okay, so I shoehorned in a sales pitch. Sue me. See website in bio.

If there's one thing that's undervalued, misunderstood, and abused, it's an e-commerce store owner's email list. I mean, we're talking about a goldmine here. You've got people (human beings with wallets) who voluntarily gave you their email address. They asked you to contact them. They basically said, "Hey, Freckles, I like what you're doing. Keep me posted." That's like a girl giving you her phone number at a bar, except better because there's no chance she gave you a fake one. And what do most store owners do with this gift from the marketing gods? They abuse it. They take this precious resource, and they just spam the hell out of it. "50% off! Buy now! Last chance! Final sale! We're going out of business but not really!" Every. Single. Day. It's like having a Ferrari in your garage and using it to haul trash to the dump. It's like inheriting a Stradivarius violin and using it as a doorstop. It's like... ah... you get the idea. Here's what gets me: These same people will spend thousands of dollars on Facebook ads trying to get strangers to notice them, but they can't be bothered to have an actual conversation with the people who already like them. They treat their email list like it's an annoying obligation instead of the most valuable asset in their entire business. You know what an email list is? It's YOUR audience. Not Facebook's. Not Instagram's. Not TikTok's. YOURS. Zuckerberg can't take it away from you. The algorithm can't kill your reach. It's the one thing you own in this digital hellscape we're all living in. But people don't get it. They misunderstand it completely. They think email is dead. "Nobody checks email anymore, man." Really? Then why do you check your email forty-seven times a day? Why does your entire life (banking, shopping, work, your kid's school, your divorce lawyer) run through email? But sure, email's dead. Just like rock and roll, right? Hmm, actually, that may be dead. Look, the point is, email is criminally undervalued. "Oh, we'll just send out a newsletter sometimes. Maybe a promo here and there." Meanwhile, that list could be printing money if you knew what you were doing. If you treated those subscribers like people instead of numbers. If you built relationships instead of just begging for sales like a digital panhandler. It drives me insane. You've got this incredible tool sitting right there, and you're wasting it. It's like watching someone use a blowtorch to light birthday candles. Technically it works, but are you missing the point. Your email list isn't just some database. It's your direct line to people who want to hear from you. And if you're screwing that up with boring, generic, "buy my crap" emails, then you deserve to go out of business. Harsh? Maybe. True? You bet. Get it together, people. Website in bio.

If everyone's doing it, it must work. That's the thinking of the average man. It’s why people clap when the plane lands and buy treadmills that end up as coat racks. It’s why they line up for hours to save four bucks on petrol. It’s why they watch whatever’s trending on Netflix instead of having taste or an opinion of their own. Groupthink is alive and well, my friend. The sociologists have a fancy term for this: Being a dumbarse! Now, if you wanna see groupthink at its finest, look at how every e-commerce store owner does their email marketing. They send out spammy emails with nothing but discounts and links. "CLICK HERE. 50% OFF. BUY NOW." It's lazy. It's boring. It doesn't work. But because every other e-commerce clown out there is doing the same thing, they feel good about it. "Well, Jimmy down the street does it this way!" Yeah, and Jimmy's sales are in the toilet, Chi-Chi. Just because a thousand people are making the same mistake doesn't magically turn it into genius. It just means there are a thousand people screwing up in unison. Listen, you know what the average person does? Not a trick question. The answer is simple: They do average things. And you know what average gets you in business? This: Out of business. Listen, stop following the herd off the cliff. Hire someone who knows how to write emails that don't make people unsubscribe and block you like you're their ex. Do something different instead of copying everyone else's losing playbook. Ah, but what do I know? I'm sure if enough people jump off a bridge, physics will eventually change. Whatever. See website in bio.

Do you need to hire a writer for your work project or your important work emails? No more than a dog needs a personal secretary, right? Thanks to ChatGPT and the ever-growing AI platforms, that probalems solved. Next question: Do you need an email copywriter to write your promotional emails? Kelvin, ChatGPT can also do that. BZZZZT! Wrong. Freckles, you couldn't be any more wrong if you were Willie Nelson explaining tax law to the IRS. ChatGPT writing profitable email copy, my arse. Listen, AI is just a tool. A powerful tool, but a tool nonetheless. And in the hands of an average copywriter, it will give you an average result. But in the hands of a copywriter who knows what the hell he's doing, well yeah, AI can most certainly help. But it's the copywritres skill and ability that matters most. I know I sound like a Spotify playlist on repeat here, but dammit, people still don't get it, so I keep saying it. Whatever. See website in bio.

Awrite, Chi-Chi, lemme break down the chain of events here because this is important. More email marketing revenue means more time. More money coming in means you’re not scrambling. You’re not stressed. You’re not working 80 hours a week just to keep the lights on. More time means better parenting. When you’re not exhausted and burnt out, you can be there for your kids. Go to her soccer game. Help with homework. Have dinner together instead of grabbing drive-thru at 9 pm because you just got home. Better parenting? That keeps her off the pole. I’m just saying it. Somebody’s gotta say it. Good, present, engaged parenting… that matters. That’s the difference between your daughter becoming a doctor or becoming “Destiny” at the Crazy Horse Gentlemen’s Club. And it all starts with revenue. Enough money, enough time to be a parent instead of just a walking ATM who occasionally shows up at the house. Now, I can’t help you with the parenting part. That’s on you. Read a book. Talk to your kids. I dunno. Don’t ask me, I’m not Dr. Phil. But the revenue part? The email marketing that makes you money, so you have that time? That I can handle. Good email copy doesn’t just make you a few extra bucks. It gives you your life back. It gives you options. It gives you the ability to be present instead of constantly hustling just to survive. So yes. More revenue. More time. Better parenting. Keeps her off the pole. That’s the chain. Website’s in the bio.

Today's copywriting is like a TV series in its 5th season... the quality just isn't there anymore. Why? Many reasons. Here are a few: The rise of AI tools. ChatGPT, Jasper, and whatever the hell else... suddenly every idiot with a laptop thinks they're a copywriter. "I just told the robot to write me some ad copy!" Listen, Chi-Chi, that makes you a typist. You're a glorified secretary. You didn't write anything, you just pressed "generate" and hoped for the best. Pitiful. Like a man drinking from a straw. Today, the barrier to entry is lower than a barefoot Bruno Mars doing the limbo. Yup, the barrier is so low right now, you don't even have to jump over it. You can just step over it. You can probably crawl over it. Hell, you could roll over it like a drunk guy trying to get into his apartment at 3 a.m. And guess what? They are! People are crawling over this bar by the boatload. Everyone and their cousin's roommate's girlfriend is now a "copywriter." They took a weekend course. They watched three YouTube videos. They used ChatGPT one time and thought, "I got this. I'm a writer now." The moral of the story? Don’t hire these clowns. Look, you can spend money or you can invest money. Nowhere is this more true than with hiring a copywriter. The smart ones (the ones who understand how business works), they find the real copywriters. They pay them. They make money. End of story. See website in bio.

Hear ye, E-commerce store owners: Here's what nobody tells you but needs to: Sending promo emails that are just links and discounts is lousy. Sure, it "works" but so does tying your loose tooth to a doorknob and slamming the door. Technically, it gets the job done. It's also painful, awkward, completely unnecessary, and everyone watching is gonna think you're an idiot. Most e-commerce store owners do this every single day. They blast boring emails with nothing but "50% off" and "shop now" links like they're running a going-out-of-business sale at a strip mall. Yes, again, it sells a little... but it burns your list faster than an MLM burns through relationships. It kills trust, and it trains your customers to ignore you like a homeless guy asking for change. You're basically teaching people that the only time they should pay attention to you is when you're desperate enough to slash prices. You've conditioned them like Pavlov's dogs, except instead of drooling when the bell rings, they're waiting for you to panic and cut your margins to nothing. There's a better way. It's called treating your subscribers like human beings instead of ATMs with unsubscribe buttons. Do it right, and not only will you get more sales, both now and long term, but you'll be building brand value, credivitly and trust - all entities that are priceless. But it takes one helluva good email copywriter to pull this off. But more importantly, it takes a business owner who has brains and balls to hire that rare copywriter. Well, I have the skill, do you have the brains and balls? Visit website in bio.

There are white lies, grey lies, and lies so black they could suck the light out of Las Vegas. And somehow, most email copy is built entirely out of them. Here’s the thing, Chi-Chi… When you’re truly good at copywriting, you don’t need to lie. Lying is what people do when they don’t know how to sell. A real copywriter can take flaws, objections, and negatives… lay them out honestly… and turn them into trust, credibility, and reasons to buy. Honesty sells better than hype. Period. End of story. If that's some kind of revelation to you, if I just blew your mind right now, you might as well go back to watching people dance on TikTok and call it a day. But if you're sitting there thinking "Yeah, no shit, Kelvin," and you need to hire a copywriter who gets this… Website's in the bio.

Australia’s got so many snakes and spiders that visitors can get bitten on the flight over! Hyperbole? Sure it is. And hyperbole works great in satire, comedy, and lighthearted content. But copywriting? Hardly ever. And when it comes to writing product claims and benefits, you’d better avoid hyperbole like a gold digger avoids a prenup. Listen, when a copywriter truly knows their craft, they don’t need hyperbole or puffery. Nope. In fact, being a little too honest (even acknowledging a few flaws or negatives in a product or service) can go much further than raving about how amazing it is. Know this: Credibility puts a beating on enthusiasm every time. Look, all I’m saying is this: If your copywriter only knows how to write product benefits and claims, you hired poorly. Avoid hype men with keyboards. Hire the real deal. Website link in bio.