• Em •

If i make more than $400,000 in the next four years I will literally give Joe Biden a blowjob in addition to paying the extra taxes on it

I hope Mike Tyson smacks the fuck outta this little dork

Got my car professionally detailed today and it was honestly better than sex

Dating apps are failing me imma bout to start hanging out outside the fire station or something

I personally think it’s extremely chaotic that the calendars think Sunday is the first day of the week

Nothing says sexy like rubbing a layer of Vasaline in my nostrils and turning my humidifier on before crawling into bed

2024

Stuff that would make my cat throw up 🤝 him eating it

I’ve said it before and I will say it again

I hate how sometimes you’re just scrolling through Twitter and you just accidentally see a horrific and graphic video of someone getting killed???? Like ????? Why would I ever want to see that???????

Thanks Amazon but I’m going to pass on the “used - very good” toilet seat savings

If you’re 81 you actually should be in charge of literally nothing at all

I just accidentally found the reborn baby doll corner of Facebook marketplace and i could have just gone my whole life not knowing these existed but here we are

Nowhere in the Bible did I read that Adam dropped Eve off at work & kept her car

Why didn’t those dumb ass pilgrims make Thanksgiving on a fucking Friday

Im sorry having to watch an ad on a streaming service that i pay for in order to watch a TRAILER!?! We’re in the greatest depths of hell I’m sure of it

“These edibles ain’t shit!” Me 2 hours later to the CVS cashier:

Chicken little is a fucking classic and everyone who disagrees is simple 🤷🏼‍♀️