emelyjone

I went to show my friend in class the chick fil a bun I got that looked like Steve Harvey’s head and all he said was, “wow you took a LOT of pictures of that.”

@krystaldecanter Literally

one cocktail in and i’m feeling like this

WHOLE CHICKEN SUNDAY ‼️‼️

Me with a family size bag of cheddar jalapeño cheetos

@krystaldecanter Daniel probably hasn’t either

Me to Keli

“I’m sorry, THEY get on my last goddamn nerve.”

@krystaldecanter It’s not what it looks like ‼️

I can feel my uterus throbbing inside of my body

Sometimes I call homeland bank and ask to raise my daily limit and they make me tell them who my great grandfather is + the color of my underwear before they’ll do it and sometimes I tell them my name and how much to raise it to and they say “yes my queen anything for you”

I wanna ft my niece but she’s at school 🤨

@MadDeeOhDoubleG They used to sell these in Jena with a sign that said how many fully processed deer u could fit in each size

When I die burry me in a 25 cubic foot chest deep freeze

@krystaldecanter AMELIA NATHAN IS EATING UR APPLESAUCE ‼️‼️‼️

me rising from my edible coma to ask the flight attendant for a ginger ale in a clear, considerate voice that conveys gratefulness and respect

Just found out that the real treasure is the friends we made along the way …

@nnamariegreen The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma

Does UR bf know the names of all the stray cats on ur street that u named ??? Yeah… that’s what I thought…

my diva cup runneth over