Erma Bombeck

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself."

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

I'm always covered in bodily fluids. Just not the fun ones.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Time is 18 years.'

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste.