John Fadule

“I have them winning in my other bracket” no one fucking cares.

Amazing feelings: -getting pulled over but it’s just a warning -new socks -Coke Zero -walking out of the gym having crushed an awesome workout -when a Senior walk-on scores a basket on Senior Night -getting a text from your crush saying “Sleepover tonight” when you’re 6 beers deep at day party burgers grilling Doses & Mimosas blasting -pregaming with people who require zero social battery -getting high with the oldest sibling of his/her family -your hometown diner with your childhood best friends on December 20th home for Christmas -when a movie moves you to tears because it’s so well done and life is so good -realizing you’re chill and have zero enemies and anxiety isn’t real -realizing you have free will and can order sushi and watch Once Upon A Time In Hollywood on a random Tuesday -realizing you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - you’re so lucky it’s absurd and you have nothing to lose :)

If you don’t fantasize about: -how jacked you’re gonna be 90 days from now -your crush’s back and calves -busting inside her without a condom -making her your girlfriend then your wife -lifting weights with her brothers then grilling steaks and watching The Dark Knight -crushing it at work and getting promoted and turning your basement into a home gym -buying your wife dumb gifts that make no sense but make her happy -buying your father-in-law cigars because he’s the absolute man -being a hot strong dad -hosting banger Fourth of July parties then you don’t understand life.

Decisions that will change your life: -asking for the promotion -hiring a personal trainer -standing up to a bully -calling your cool Uncle to come clean about something bothering you -breaking up with the girl who you know isn’t right for you -separating from friends you only have fun with when you’re partying -getting started on your secret passion project (the thing you daydream about when you’re sober) -asking out your crush -throwing away the junk food in your kitchen -putting an end to the bad habit that is keeping you from your full potential (the habit you don’t think life can be “fun” without) Don’t be a do-nothing doughboy. Be the jacked healthy hero you daydreamed about being when you were 15 :)

Things that are in: -Lifting weights -Dive bars -Having hot wife -the song “When You Were Young” by The Killers -Encouraging little kids to punch bullies in the face -Pregaming with people who require zero social battery -Not wearing condoms (you should only be sleeping with women you don’t feel the need to wear a condom with - ideally your JV Football coach told you this during a randomly deep conversation on a bus ride home from a road game but if not you’re welcome) Things that are out: -Being a victim -Being frugal -Calling yourself a “hopeless romantic” -Following Instagram models/liking their pictures -Treating customer service employees badly -Complaining about the logistics of parties/weddings -Vocal fry -Settling for a girlfriend who doesn’t fire you up (if you don’t fantasize about living with her in Ancient Rome she’s not the one)

Top 10 feelings: -new socks -upper body muscle soreness -recognizing a moment while you’re in it -giving someone an expensive gift -getting hugged by your friend’s dad -waking up in the middle of the night realizing you have more hours to sleep -when a girl with a good body grabs you by your inner elbow -spotting a cop and slowing down just in time to avoid a speeding ticket -Fridays in 9th Grade knowing you had a sleepover at your best friend’s house after school -hearing Over My Head by The Fray for the first time in a while -hitting a double in Little League in front of your Grandpa -realizing you’re living a phase of your life you already know you’re gonna wanna re-live (makes you 10% sad 90% wildly grateful to be alive)

Great guys: -Leonardo DiCaprio -Kieran Culkin -the commissioner of your Fantasy League -Brad Pitt’s character in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood -anyone who gets moved to tears when a special needs kid scores a basket on Senior Night Terrible guys: -gossipers -complainers -Joffrey from Game Of Thrones -dudes in their 30s who creep College girls’ Instagrams saying “I would f*ck the sh*t out of her” -transactional ‘friends’ who view life as a competition who you can tell when something good happens to you they get pissed

Things that are in: -lifting weights -asking for a promotion -grabbing your wife’s butt in the kitchen -randomly deep conversations with your friends’ wealthy dads Things that are out: -flirting with married women -ordering dessert -putting ranch on pizza -bragging about how many books you’ve read this year -creeping College girls’ Instagrams saying “I would fuck the shit out of her” while losing $4600 gambling on your dad’s credit card (at 32 years old) -being high around people you don’t know -not being grateful for your health/for the sheer fact that you’re alive

If your goal is weight loss you should be measuring CALORIES not carbs. Your weight is determined by your calories - you can eat 0 carbs and still gain weight, you can eat pancakes and pasta everyday and still lose weight.

You’re allowed to hit the gym then drink an XL black coffee and blast Ain’t It Fun by Paramore and be swarmed with gratitude to the point chills run up and down your back muscles (which are massive because you lift hard with good form) and think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle I’m so lucky to be alive’

“Carbs are bad for you” “To lose fat you need to do cardio” “To get toned you need to lift light weight high reps” “Lifting heavy makes you bulky” “Lifting weights makes women bulky” “Brown rice is healthier for you than white rice” “Coke Zero is bad for you” “Eating late at night makes you gain body fat”

Life is amazing: -get jacked -crush it at work -ask for the promotion -marry an honest woman (with a good body) -treat her amazing -avoid complainers -never get offended -prioritize your health -watch good movies -write banger Tweets -leave generous tips at restaurants -call your friends for no reason -be a hot strong dad -host banger dinner parties -and if you’re ever feeling down remember you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - everyday you wake up you win the freaking lottery :)

Signs of intelligence: -you make people feel good -you never get offended -your wife is so impressive it makes your friends wanna hit the gym (because she’s so hot and emotionally mature it fires them up) -you’re funny/witty you can generate humor -you’re muscular -you’re healthy -you party hard on special occasions -you’re wealthy not rich -you treat waitresses amazing (you treat them like they’re your wife’s friend you’re meeting for the first time) -you’re fun to watch a movie with you make the experience better -you never complain -you never insult -you can get along with people who have differing opinions

Real luxuries: -guilt-free conscience -friends smarter than you -chill coworkers -having an honest girlfriend with a good body -being muscular -YouTube premium -excellent WiFi -having a sense of humor/realizing witty banter is important -friends who require zero social battery -having a workout routine you love/it brings you joy/the gym is your happy place -having a TV show you’re captivated by you can’t wait for the next episode -understanding complaining is cringe -understanding FOMO is fake -understanding you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - you’re so lucky it’s absurd and you have nothing to lose :)

High testosterone behaviors: -lifting weights -asking for a promotion -grabbing your wife’s butt in the kitchen -buying things for your friends without keeping tabs/who owes what Low testosterone behaviors: -designer clothes -complaining -small-talking at Brunch -getting offended/being “triggered” -self-righteous sober people -hiding behind a phone screen/needing a dating app to talk to a woman -arguing with anyone besides your 5 closest friends -making running your personality -smoking weed with people who aren’t doing well in life

High testosterone behaviors: -lift weights -crush it at work -ask out your crush (if she says no repeat steps 1 and 2 until she says yes) -leave generous tips at restaurants -never get offended -at weddings bring the groom drinks so he doesn’t have to leave the dance floor -delete Tinder
-ask for the promotion -call your friends for no reason -don’t get drunk or high with anyone who isn’t a good person -don’t hookup with a girl you wouldn’t be pumped to show off to your friends (because she’s so hot and emotionally mature it makes them want a girlfriend) -eat healthy 90% of the time -take random moments throughout your week to be grateful for the fact you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - you’re so lucky it’s absurd and you have nothing to lose :)

Reasons to be muscular: -your wife gets pumped to show you off at parties -her dad brags about you when he gets drunk -you get promoted 18 months early because everyone trusts you -you look jacked holding your toddler son/daughter in your first pictures together -your female coworkers wanna get with you (which you would never do because you’re a loyal husband) -wealthy men try to set you up with their daughters because they wanna be your father-in-law -you don’t need to wear the same shirt every time you go out -you don’t need to scroll back 3 years in your pictures to find one where you look good -your wife’s Uncles pull you aside at parties to tell you stories about their Friday nights in the 80s before cell phones (they tell you things their wives would be pissed about but it’s all good because you’re not a snitch) You don’t need to eat chicken and broccoli every meal and spend 5 hours in the gym to be muscular - all you need is 3 lifts a week 50 minutes at a time. Be muscular. Give your wife something to grab.

Low testosterone behaviors: -complaining -getting jealous -being a fan of Patrick Bateman -having a skincare/grooming routine -treating customer service employees badly -following Instagram models/liking their pictures -sniffling -using Tinder -not lifting weights -being frugal -bickering about who owes exactly what on a dinner bill -Venmo requesting for Ubers -standing up when your plane lands before your row has room to leave -arguing with anyone besides your 5 closest friends -bailing on dates last-minute claiming “something came up” when you’re actually just being a scared little b*tch