John Fadule

Coke Zero is 100 times better. Diet Coke makes you feel like you’re 65 years old. Coke Zero makes you feel like your crush just texted you “come over”

If your immediate answer isn’t busting inside her without a condom then watching Pirates Of The Caribbean you’re an idiot

Christoper Nolan movies ranked: Tier 3 - you don’t need to watch these ever again 9. Dunkirk 8. Memento 7. Batman Begins 6. Oppenheimer Tier 2 - these are fantastic on TV especially December 26th-30th 5. Dark Knight Rises 4. The Prestige Tier 1 - you should watch these once a year the rest of your life 3. Inception 2. The Dark Knight 1. Interstellar

Ideal Thursday: -hit the gym -get Chipotle -fire up a texting conversation with your crush -watch The Place Beyond The Pines with her separately at the same time -she asks to come over mid-movie because she’s scared -smash -remain calm when she talks about next weekend like it’s already assumed you’re gonna hangout -Venmo your friend who’s at the bar $100 because you’re in a grateful mood -when she falls asleep resist the temptation to take a picture of her even though part of you wants to but hold off because you know it’s not the right thing to do you would feel guilty

Anxiety cure: -lift weights -get Sun -30-minute walk while drinking Coke Zero -call your friend for no reason -watch The Office -be grateful for your health -schedule a dinner party with your best friend and his girlfriend and her hot friends -realize there are 8 billion people in the world - you are 5 people’s crush they have sex fantasies about you whatever you do is automatically cool -realize you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - you’re so lucky it’s absurd and you have nothing to lose :)

Top 10 feelings: -when your friend tells you he got promoted -busting inside your crush -road trips with exactly 3 people -mowing the lawn shirtless getting Sun -30-minute walk playing white girl pop throwbacks -first shower after a haircut -pizza mid-party after banging your wife in an upstairs bedroom -when your friend trusts you to drive his car -when a bartender in her late 30s touches your hand and calls you “love” -the hooking up phase -Coke Zero at 2PM -Daughters by John Mayer -realizing you’re living a phase of your life you already know you’re gonna wanna re-live one day (this makes you 10% sad 90% wildly grateful to be alive)

Bad uses of your time: -watching Euphoria -getting drunk with complainers -dates with girls you feel the need to wear a condom with Good uses of your time: -hitting the gym -30-minute walks in the Sun drinking black coffee -calling your friends for no reason -going on a date with a girl you’d be pumped to show off to your friends (because she’s so hot and emotionally mature it makes them want a girlfriend) -listening to music that makes you happy and reminds you life is amazing -watching movies that got Oscar nominations for their script-writing -taking random moments throughout your week to be grateful for your health

Low testosterone behaviors: -complaining -calling your girlfriend your “partner” -scolding a little kid for punching a bully in the face High testosterone behaviors: -lifting weights -asking for a promotion -grabbing your wife’s butt in the kitchen -buying things for your friends without keeping tabs/who owes what -being grateful for your health -working too much -taking random moments throughout your week to realize you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - you’re so lucky it’s absurd and you have nothing to lose :)

“I know a girl - she puts the colors inside of my world”

This isn’t toned this is unhealthy. The hottest girls aren’t the skinniest girls the hottest girls are the girls whose calves you wanna grab. They hit the gym and do yoga and eat Greek yogurt and avocados. The obsession with skinny girls is stupid - sex should sound like clapping, not like a teacher whacking your hand with a ruler.

Things that are in: -lifting weights -Coke Zero -girls with good bodies who hate vaping -taking random moments throughout your week to be grateful for your health Things that are out: -overthinking -following Instagram models -drinks that contain sugar -hungover driving -owning a dog under 50lbs -pessimistic stoners -gossiping -wearing sunscreen -guys who speak negatively about a girl they’ve hooked up with (either say “she was great” or don’t say anything) -getting drunk with people who have no ambition -arguing with anyone besides your 5 closest friends

-sending a text in your groupchat and getting 6 HAHA reacts -busting inside your crush -lifting weights in the Sun blasting white girl pop throwbacks -when a hot girl’s dog immediately loves you -Harry Potter marathon while it’s snowing -December 26th-30th -partying with the Seniors when you were a Sophomore -being at a concert looking around the crowd realizing ‘wow life is a miracle I’m so lucky to be alive’

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now wish right now-w wish right now-w-w

Low testosterone behaviors: -watching Euphoria -calling your girlfriend your “partner” -getting drunk with people who have no ambition all they do is gossip -treating customer service employees badly High testosterone behaviors: -lifting weights -asking for a promotion -talking to people like you already know them -unfollowing Instagram models -grabbing your wife’s butt in the kitchen -buying drinks for people without expecting one in return -encouraging little kids to punch bullies in the face -taking random moments to be grateful for your health

Life is amazing: -coffee exists -gyms exist -hot girls outnumber even moderately put-together dudes 2000 to 1 -you and your wife can drink 4 bottles of wine then smash all night without a condom -you and your friends can hit the gym then smoke a joint at a Coldplay concert -every food item in the world has been hunted/gathered for you (grocery stores) -you could be working 16 hour days in a coal mine in a third world country There are people who live in wheelchairs. There are kids born with disabilities. No 4th of July weekends, no sleepovers with their best friends staying up until 2AM watching Interstellar. And you’re not SMASHING the gym like a grateful SAVAGE!? Eating healthy 90% of the time, calling your friends for no reason, CRUSHING it in your career, asking for the promotion, asking out your crush making her your girlfriend then your wife!? You are spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - you’re so lucky it’s absurd and you have nothing to lose :)

Hangover cure: -Coke Zero -hit the gym for 40 minutes -meet up with your boys and get breakfast sandwiches -90-minute nap on their couch -wake up to one of them playing Sly Cooper on PlayStation 2 -have a randomly deep conversation about how the first 15 years of your life took forever but every year since has gone by scary fast -order Chinese food -watch an hour of Wedding Crashers -go to the girl you’re hooking up with’s place and ask her to be your girlfriend (she says yes then you smash) -smoke a joint on your way home listening to How To Save A Life by The Fray -realize you’re living a phase of your life you already know you’re gonna wanna re-live (this makes you 10% sad 90% wildly grateful to be alive)

There are 8 billion people in the world: -you are 5 people’s crush -100 people you’ve never met have heard flattering stories about you -your ex-girlfriends’ dads talk about you when they get drunk -the baddie you see at the gym who you fantasize about living happily ever after with in Florida - she is doing the same thing about you -you’re crushing it -you’re hard on yourself because 2008 scared your parents -life is amazing -anxiety isn’t real -you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - you’re so lucky it’s absurd and you have nothing to lose :)

@DumpsterLobstah Yes. Following you right now

@fadule_ Get addicted to your girlfriend’s dad complimenting your shoulders like a man.

“I have such an addictive personality” being addicted to vaping doesn’t mean you have an addictive personality it just means you don’t have the mental toughness to resist instant gratification. Get addicted to the gym and Coke Zero like a man.