Fake ESPN

BREAKING: Randy Johnson hired as ESPN analyst, stationed outside Miller Park with bucket of baseballs to protect Selig statue.

Serve @fakeESPN: if you see Joe Lunardi, immerse his head in a bucket of ice water to prevent 'Scanners'-style explosion.

Serve @fakeESPN: refer to the new 96-team NCAA bball tourney by its new name: @fakeESPN's March Batshit Insanity.

When consuming @fakeESPN on your new Apple tablet, do not multitouch Skip Bayless; it scuffs his elbow patches.

Buy the new Apple tablet this week so you can finally sleep with @fakeESPN each night!

Serve @fakeESPN: Consume Xbox Live exclusive content, inc. "Sklar Bros Contractual Obligation Hour" & "GTA: Kiffin".

Serve @fakeESPN: if we can't monetize it, you don't want it.

BREAKING: Lane Kiffin resigns as USC head coach to become President of Haiti, claiming "this disaster needed me more".

BREAKING: Rick Reilly to showcase urine specimen selection on E:60 tonight; McGwire cup said to have "angry tint".

I just became the mayor of All Leveragable Platforms on @foursquare! http://j.mp/4Epnkz

Tune in Sunday to see Chris Connelly's story on Colt McCoy's heroic return from paralysis after Tim Tebow lays hands!

WARNING: When watching the @fakeESPN 3D network, do not attempt to reach out and slap Joe Morgan; TV damage may result.

As always, serve @fakeESPN's reverse quantum rule: events that are not observed on @fakeESPN platforms did not occur.

Tune into @fakeESPN for our wildly dangerous New Year's event. This year, we disparage the SEC mildly. Extreme programming!

BREAKING: Please welcome new @fakeESPN boxing analyst, Mike Leach!

ON TONIGHT: Tune into SportsCenter as medical expert Sen. Bill Frist breaks down game tape to diagnose Urban Meyer.

DEVELOPING: Current frontrunner for U of FL position is former Notre Dame coach & current ambassador to Palestine Tareq Salahi.

BREAKING: Urban Meyer to leave coaching to spend time with family. Meyer is first public figure of 2009 to mean that literally.

BREAKING: Blazers F Nicolas Batum spontaneously combusts while rehabbing today - out indefinitely.

If you are seeing DMs from @STEIN_LINE_HQ, your credit card has already been charged for @fakeESPN Twitter Insider. Congrats!