Phil Carpenter

I like to play this game called “I show the cat where the birds nest with babies is on the patio”

They’re tricking Trump into building a Baal Room when he never wanted a ballroom in the first place. If you listen carefully he’s been saying “I need more ball room” for weeks

@benaveryisgood Beautiful write up, Ben

The president of the united states tongues the wailing wall and, very respectfully, lets his trousers slide to his knees. The crowd in Jerusalem goes apey. He holds fiercely to his yarmulke and the people pop their heads from their tunnels to watch the fucking of the stone. Chants in ancient hebrew and the countdown begins. Soon the mosque will be no more. The president squeezes the detonator in his hand as he fucks, fucks, fucks away. The moon turns a cold red and Satan's voice like a wind rushes through the halls of the Holy City. There is no God in this universe. There is only pedophiles

Another soldier has fallen

Walking into a shooting range, signing all of the liability paperwork, and blowing my brains out the moment that 9mm touches my hands

In 6 years Charlie Kirk will be alive and his death will be chalked up to the Mandela Effect

I have invented over two dozen new slurs

This guy saved my life

Guy who quietly loads the 9mm he just bought at the register before shooting the cashier in the face

It’s a goddamn shame I can’t walk into Walmart and come out 5 minutes later with a 12 gauge shotgun anymore what in the fuck has happens to our country

Is this “party rock” in the house tonight? Where did he touch you?

@TeamTurboTax @turbotax Thank you Nikki. The website is forcing me to pay for the premium service to file but is there any way you can help me bypass this and proceed with the free version?

@fillcarpenter @turbotax Hello there, thanks for reaching out during this busy tax season, we’re here to help. To make sure we can assist you quickly and securely, please send us a DM with a few more details about your situation. We’ll be happy to assist. - NIkki x.com/messages/compo…

@turbotax Shabbat Shalom it is tax season and I’m looking g for some assistance

Narcan’t

We need a word that is truly demeaning to white folks so we can all freely use slurs on an even playing field

If you own a dirtbike or atv, tonight is a perfect night to loot small businesses

Guy who becomes a doctor solely because he enjoys telling people their loved ones will die soon

Who among us hasn’t stolen a sawzall from work?

I’ll never forget you