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@Meredvth Please do. Just mail me one, bruh. Who would know?

@fmlsux I’d share

I'm jealous of Meredith's djarum

Who calls me in my office on a Friday? Don't they realize that's the Sabbath of the 5-day work week?

@nadia_detriment Excellent use of alas.

I stopped an approaching 🚌 bc I saw a teen making a frantic dash for it & the driver gave me the most disgusted slap of a look when he realized I wasn’t getting on. He CLOSED THE DOOR in the face of the boy who came along 2.5 secs later. He did relent. Alas, he is my enemy now.

@nadia_detriment This one?

My father isn’t a bookish guy, but he’s been making his way through a Che Guevara biography from my bookshelf when he visits. It turns out he keeps track of where he left off by texting my mother the page number.

How sure are we that the crew of the Artemis II didn't pick up a highly hostile, shape-shifting extraterrestrial organism on the dark side of the moon? We're gonna need bearded Kurt Russell to vet these folks.

Fuck Tims and their liquid laxatives and leaky lids.

Welcome to the time of year when the jacket you needed for 10 minutes this morning becomes a burden you have to carry for the rest of the day. Dragons, I'd like to introduce you to the disposable coat, a cost-effective ecological travesty breaking the shackles of Spring weather.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's haunted nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted

Si sabes que es, podemos ser amigos toda la vida…

I don't know about you guys but I sure could use a couple of lettuce holidays in the mix instead of the like six chocolate ones in a row we have now. Can we make Valentines a fun cardio one instead of a chocolate & flowers one if we still keep 'fucking' as a central tenet?

Hoppy Easter! Your Jesus should be ready; stick a fork in him, turn him over. If seared properly, your Jesus will have lots of flavour baked in while being fall off the bone tender.

Simply place your Jesus in a stone oven preheated to room temperature for approximately 3 days, let cool, and enjoy. The Jesus is almost ready.

There's only one toilet in the men's room at work. We either have to take turns, scooch, or the bottom guy has to sit kinda wide-legged.

Happy year-end eve to all who commiserate. #accountants

Snow can go fuck itself. If I never see snow again I would not give a single fuck. Fuck this endless winter.

Running into your work crush twice in one day so they think all you do there is roam the hallways and blush.

I don't know who Daylight Saving Tim is but if he fucks with my clock again I hope someone knocks the shit out of him.