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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn�t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday

Why do we feel safe under blankets? It�s not like a murderer will come in thinking �I�m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He�s under a blanket.�

Thinks that Facebook has ruined school reunions. Now everyone knows you�re full of s$%& before you get there�

Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

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If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

ate so badly this past weekend that my body would probably mistake a piece of fruit for a virus and try to attack it.

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Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

That awkward moment when you�re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you�re doing it wrong�

If Plan A doesn�t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.