Alistair Gale

Is it possible to LOL a comedian into a false sense of security?

#BookTwitter I'm self-publishing a self-help book to help people in pain in their pelvis. I need money to pay my copy editor and interior designer. I've tried a Kickstarter TWICE. Can someone else please pre-order my book. It's going to help anyone who reads it who has a vagina

Can’t wait to see Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio

She’s currently looking to crowdfund it to self-publish but it’s turning into a massive slog and really getting her down when all she wants is to help. Please consider helping her out. The link is here thisisnaomigale.co.uk/in-your-vagina…

My amazing wife has written a book ‘In Your Vagina Lies the Key to Happiness’ which I believe will be one of the most important reads for women and vagina-owners who want to take back control of their bodies and stick it to the patriarchy. Please please consider retweeting. 

When I see this tan line it always reminds me of the stag weekend I went on where one of the guys got booed by a group of women in a night club. They’d immediately clocked that he’d removed his wedding ring to go out. The guy was a bit of an arsehole so it was a delight to see.

Selfie? Wait how long are Titchmarsh’s forearms?

Must have been done already…

Selling a bed on FB marketplace and this chat appears below and now I’m genuinely confused

@Netflixhelps It’s episodes that don’t switch to the next episodes after they’ve been played through once. Happens mainly on Netflix originals and is extremely annoying

@galeali Hi Alistair, can you give us a description what exactly happens. Is the same episode not playing once it has played or does it not switch to the next episode? Also what is the device that you are using? ^CY

Hi @NetflixUK - can you sort out the glitch on the Kids profile which stops the NF original series playing through again once they’ve been played. It’s lockdown and you need to do your bit to keep us parents sane...

@PaulRigbywrites These Words by Natasha Bedingfield. Absolute cringe fest #worsepopsongever

Ok, prompted by a recent twitter conversation, which is the worst pop song ever? Send me yours with the tag #WorstPopSongEver and the eight most suggested will face-off in the quarter finals ASAP. I mean, why not? 🤷‍♂️

My wife has always been the queen of eggcorns but today’s was a doozy: “I’m really against the cloche on this one”. Me: “Do you mean ‘against the clock?’ or ‘under the cosh?’”

@AliPlumb The Friends episode when Joey’s ‘speaking’ French. Also some of the London episodes are really cringey with the writers trying to do British dialogue. “Come on, Buggerface” a real low point...

What's the *worst* episode of your favourite TV show and why? The one where even as a die-hard fan you think... can I skip this one?

@katbuilt Best eggcorn ever!

Today in a meeting someone referred to a win-win situation as “we’re feeding 2 birds with 1 scone” instead of killing them with 1 stone, and that’s the kind of world I want to live in. 😌🕊🍪🕊

@AliPlumb Scorpion (or any of the bugs really) in honey I shrunk the kids - terrifying...

What's the scariest thing you've seen in a non-horror TV show / movie? Example: (*shudders*)

@SnoozeInBrief Lovely stuff

I've set up an OnlyFans page. Here are some highlights to tempt you...

Disgusted that a charity has had to pick up the government’s usual slack on this: Coronavirus: Safety fears over lack of translated virus advice bbc.co.uk/news/uk-535370…

Must’ve been fine already surely? Probably with more panache...

I’ve got a joke about translation, but you wouldn’t understamd the context...

@AnnieTranslator Eesh... sorry to hear that...

After sending me an NDA, the job collaboration details, four or five email exchanges, each with my email footer clearly stating Swedish to English, and you only NOW realise I don't do English into Swedish? 🤨