Henry Block

If I’m elected president I will make it so that we ALL retain memories from infancy!!

Meryl Streep will star as 'Enid' in a limited series adaptation of Jonathan Franzen's THE CORRECTIONS. From director and executive producer Cord Jefferson.

My wife, she’s what they call a bisexual. Every time I come home and see who’s in bed with her it’s like a gender reveal party. It’s a boy! It’s a girl! It’s twins. I tell ya…I get no respect. I may as well be a bisexual too seeing as I said bye to getting sexual a long time ago

Sorry I can’t, I’m watching my figure. Watching it get bigger!!!!! Pass the pizza! 🤩😋👍

A babe in arms….. uhhhh I’d rather see a babe in a bikini!

When people bring their phone with them into the bathroom. Are you looking at the WikiHow for how to pee

Hanging out with friends and talking is like real life instagram reels. and every story that someone tells is a different instagram reel

When I get hungry dinner is lowkey a hack

Orthorexic Jews

Area Man Knows When He Not Welcome In Children’s Museum theonion.com/area-man-knows…

If my hubby asks me for an open marriage, he’s getting a closed casket!

Nervous to bring my Na’vi girlfriend home to my parents but I’ll know they’ll be accepting.

Marriage tip from my inspiring grandparents who have been together for 75 years! Just say this one simple phrase every day: “If you leave me, I will kill myself” 💕

Release Epstein's Bones!!!!!!!!! #ReleaseTheBones

Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family theonion.com/community-does…

Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’ theonion.com/report-electri…

Rubio Orders State Department Braille Signage Switch To ‘Times New Roman’

Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague theonion.com/pete-hegseth-w…

JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses ‘Piggy’ Nickname On Someone Else theonion.com/jd-vance-cries…

Treating myself to french fries at lunch like I'm a dog about to be put down