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@elonmusk @MakZuckerberg I hear you boys wanna throw down and I am here for it, come on over next Tuesday I have a tidy parking lot with near by hospitals and capable first aid attendants and we just let it bang. Let’s get it dudes

Got four stitches in my scrotum from an unfortunate roller skating mishap but one of my frozen pizza slices had 6 pepperonis so…. Pretty good first date imo.

Got invited to a cheese tasting and I’m lactose intolerant, there’s one bathroom, best of luck to everyone else here.

There was a tsunami warning today and honestly I was like, yea man, we deserve this.

Oh you wanted a basic cooking time chart for a roast? Fuck you, here’s a story about when I was a little girl in Poland.

Kevin Costner rides an entire horse into your wedding, pretty much everyone is freaking out, and we softly have the discussion “maybe calm down a bit”

You’re telling me you’re depressed even though scallop potatoes exist? Cheer up you sad fuck.

Can I order the fajitas but without the dramatic entrance?

Asked a Thai restaurant for maximum heat and my left ear is ringing?

Have you ever had another adult tell you to go to bed? That shit is infuriating. I’m over here worrying about how strong a kangaroo could possibly get and you want me to just sleep about it?

Your upstairs neighbour is just trying to live their life. Go boil some cabbage you filthy basement dweller.

Just had to follow through with plans I made. Fucking exhausting, would not recommend.

Look me in the eyes and tell me your air fryer wings taste better than deep fried ones. You can’t and that’s on you coward.

I’m not even comfortable using one entendre

“Fuck your clean counter tops” the inventor of the everything bagel.

What do you do six minutes after you start kayaking? Oh, so just more of this?

Put strawberries in my wife’s mimosa like some kinda dang fancy boy.

I've been sober for 3 years now and I've gotten really into cooking lately. Everything I used to cook just required Sudafed. Now I need things like paprika and there's far fewer explosions.

Sometimes Instagram videos tell me to wait for it and I just don’t. It’s had very little effect on my life.

When pictures of my children don’t get more than 50 likes on Instagram I make them do push ups.