a scared man

i'm sorry to interrupt but i have no idea

@meatbarz that's how it starts. you find the perfect gif response and feel that dopamine hit, then you're stuck chasing the dragon

@human_torso Grateful I was never a gif millennial. Only works for exactly the right gif under exactly the right circumstances

as a millennial, resisting the urge to respond to something with a gif is like an alcoholic taking a bicycle tour through a vineyard in nappa and trying not to drink any wine

euthanasia should be legal only if you are ugly and have worked 9 days in a row

it should be illegal to receive a blowjob but they should give you the keys to the city if you give one

@nicotinequeen69 i accidentally hit mouse but i meant monkey

would you rather be a little mousy in the forest eating berries or a little monkey in the jungle eating bananas

i don't have any motion, and i'm going to live forever

saying "thank you" every time a traffic light turns green

@meatbarz ASMR: A Stranger Trauma Dumps on You About Your Likeness to Her Dead Friend

Doing some “trauma dumping” on this asmrtist. Telling her she looks like my dead friend who killed herself

if i was john krasinksi i would do so many voiceovers for chase bank and american express. you would tire, and groan at the sound of my voice

for sale: condom; never worn

"contents may be hot" fuck off i know what i'm doing

watching young sheldon for the commercials

giving a woman the ick is easy but you ever give yourself the ick?

i actually don't mind that it's so fucking windy, shit blowing over, the goddamn patio furniture banging around

tried to order the raisins at raisin canes and they said they were out?

@dollessive new schizo posting tech dropped. need to try this

oomf keeps tweeting that hes horny and vulnerable and getting 0 likes and im cringing so fucking bad dude

gun to your jowls name a dessert

@messedupfoods peeing in it

i was serving ass in the company group photo

gun to your head spell attic