dirty deeds

It’s crazy to me that at this age I already hated my belly, my teeth, my hair. Myself. 🥺

My child has been touching me for 4 days straight

Does it cost more to abort multiple babies?

Sometimes before sex my husband asks “how wet do you want it?” - it being his penis, I think 😰 dry, please

@iambeccacarr Please

i’m sorry but if your unsupervised phone is charging near me, imma take a selfie with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

My small friend told me I smell like (my) grandma... the jig is up. where’s the reefer, old woman 👀

I secretly don’t like when children have mullets

I’m pretty sure if my husband murdered me he would also kill himself, which i find comfort in. #togetherforever

@cweaver19921 When I started reading this i thought you were super concerned for her safety 😂😂 Ope

Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am and I remember there was a time when I was a teenager where I put exclusively Mountain Dew in my bong instead of water and ya I’m sure that has something to do with it

My daughter keeps telling me she does not want kids, and I keep telling her that’s literally okay! You don’t have to.

Your secret is safe with me* 🤫 *and my friend Whitney

@iambeccacarr Skip that last season tho 🥸 try workaholics!

trying to find a new background show after watching Superstore all the way through for the 400th time

So, we had a meeting at work yesterday. My boss asked, “What steps would you take in case of a fire??” “Fucking huge ones,” was not the right answer…

@Whitney17044076 Because I’m competing too! Jeez

No, I’m not voting for you in the Inked Magazine contest

It’s like Denver is surprised to discover I’m dumb on the regular

@D_Ray908 Ope, what would I do if you weren’t here to correct me all the time

@humankendipede Skulls

@lexisuckss My friend Whitney made mine up when she worked at the bank 😂 and I also want to tell people 🥲

I always wanna post about my bank password cuz it’s really funny but also I don’t wanna give out my bank password :-(

@Whitney17044076 Oh yes. That’s 6 months probation

The term “hubby” should be illegal