buried fiber optic cable gf

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. IT’S APOCALYPSE NOW AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DRINKING HEAVILY AND DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE THE MAIN CHARACTER, MARTIN SHEEN. I DO EVERY MOVE UNTIL I SMASH MY MIRROR WITH MY BLEEDING FISTS AND COLLAPSE

i’m gonna pick this bitch up by the ankles and spin her around in circles like gay bowser and then release her at the precise angle to launch her out of an open window and directly under an oncoming garbage truck

i got out of the habit of taking selfies when i was mega depressed and i don’t like the thing where you see the normal photo for a split second before the restless spirit of steve jobs yassifies you. kind of psychosis inducing!

thought clocking out at noon would make me hyper-productive but it just frees up more time to sit around my room watching movies and doing my makeup for hours before i immediately take it off to go to 7-11

new shelf is kind of mid but the replies are giving this

I was looking for my vape and then I found my vape and heaven knows I'm miserable now

“getting a little high and looking at your phone, or the two Evil Sisters, as i like to call them…”

@cardamomkiss everytime i see them i’m like damn she looks soooooooo good and the last time that happened i went to her ig and she was literally wearing a colonial pith helmet

Remembered that evil Egyptologist couple and found them by searching evil Egyptologist couple

checked to see what the single like on this was and let out a very genuine ‘hell yeah brother’ 💪

haven’t watched this more than once bc it’s the most problematic “she is literally me” i’ve got when she busts out the gas station bags of vodka shooters and snickers for dinner i pointed at the screen like leonardo dicaprio

i mean do i like how i look? totally! but i can’t get KBBQ with my friends anymore bc i get full from nibbling on the kimchi and bean sprouts and then the meat smell makes me nauseous and i think i would happily regain 20 pounds if it meant i could slam 8 orders of bulgogi again

*watering my plants” someday a real rain’ll come and wash all this scum off the palm trees that condensates into a a black oily goo and drips onto the porch every night

@mirthincarnate she would probably get less sad than me when the tamagotchi dies bc she would be used to losing children to illness

women of all ages love tamagotchi. you could probably give a tamagotchi to a medieval peasant woman and she would understand it instantly

the girl that fries in the tanning booth in final destination 3 kind of deserved it for having one of those “hello?…..psych!!!” answering messages. had a couple friends with those back in the day and sometimes i wanted to hurt them physically

WOMEN BELONG IN THE KITCHEN

i have the most violently angled autistic head tilt at the noise show in the abandoned chinese restaurant

pastry chef is fun and cute until you break out the chocolate ganache and spend the rest of your shift covered in doo doo

that’s what los angeles is all about - going out to karaoke with your girlfriends and BEASTING holy diver so hard that you somehow make an unrelated industry connection from it

also the like three people who said i looked like twiggy: i hope you find money on the ground tomorrow i’ve been obsessed with her since i saw her singing with kermit the frog when i was 8

i’m so glad that i’m in a solid place mentally bc otherwise some of the things strangers said about my appearance today would have bothered me! but fortunately i live in the real world where the karaoke dj just asked “is it supermodel night?” after i sang kiss from a rose