One Liners

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his. We were maid for each other

Judge: “I order you to pay $1000” Mario: “But-a why?” Judge: “It’s a fine” Mario: “No it’s-a not”

Trump: “I want to see Biden in jail!!” Biden: “Why does Trump think I’ll visit him in jail?”

What do you call a magician that lost his magic? Ian

What do you call a Mexican in quicksand? Sinko de Mayo

If you see an Apple store getting robbed, that makes you an iWitness

I run a weekly Plastic Surgery Anonymous meeting. I’m always disappointed when I see new faces each week

What kind of flower likes to kiss people? Two lips

What happened to the politician who had diarrhea during the debate? He was still in the running

What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? One of them is an elephant

I went to a friend’s house and he said “make yourself at home” so I threw him out. I hate having people over

Mr Peanut and the Energizer Bunny were arrested for beating up a bunch of other mascots. They were charged with a salt and battery

What drugs to ducks do? Quack cocaine. How do they pay for it? In bills

What’s the problem with 9/11 jokes? They never land?

What’s the definition of trust? Two cannibals 69ing each other

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was... I told her it was the dude from Sesame Street She said, "He doesn't count." I said, "Oh I assure you, he does.

What is a white nationalist’s favorite porn site? Only Klans

I told my psychologist I have an irrational fear of living in tall buildings with multiple residential occupants. She said “hmm, that sounds like an apartment complex”

Andrew Tate was arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes. Any longer they would have had to given him a free garlic bread

I met a woman at a bar and asked to take her home. She said “Sorry I’m on my menstrual cycle.” I said “that’s ok, we can go home in my Hyundai.”