Luke Petty

If @AFFootball is wearing f35 helmets, does that mean they cost too much and don't work at all? #TakeAKnee #trillion$mistake

Why don't girls just grow a beard instead of taking high angle selfies to hide a double chin? #NorthKorea #boycottsnapchat #girltalk

I almost have enough @saxxunderwear to go a week without laundry. I just need somebody to hook me up with a few more.

I received a pair of @saxxunderwear and now I can no longer wear cheap drawls. I just bought two more, these Hanes are going in the garbage.

I am pretty sure that I have come up with a new way to shoot porn. I guess now I just need to find some actors. #ThursdayThoughts

Look how loose & funny & rude & brilliant Obama is in this Philly speech right now. Not trying for approval. Destroying.

It is a very weird sensation when I need to pee, but I am also thirsty at the same time. #FridayFeeling

I have zero fucks left for today, and only two shits.

I can't stand all these middle age women at the bar, acting like they are #hotshit , drinking basically look-aid. Get over yourself!

. @NBCSports anybody who says, "I'm not so sure" should surely be fired, or at least water boarded. #firecollinsworth

@stephenasmith you are such an asshat. Please quit. Everyone hates you and watches less @espn because you are on. #asshat

@NFL @CastrolUSA t ..m

@NFLfantasy @nflnetwork

.@Giants thank you for releasing Preston Parker. Thank guy really sucked. My cursing during games should decrease about 30% now. #giants

New Pumpkin Spice Channel To Offer Fall-Themed Hardcore Pornography onion.com/1MsJdzS #NSFW

#NeverForget #fuckclearchannel twitter.com/TheAVClub/stat…

Fuck off @Nationwide , we will #neverforget that terrible superbowl commercial. #NFLKickoff

My Google maps GPS is shitty. I used AT&T navigation one time, and it has never forgiven me. #turned

It's easy for you to assume the guy who shot #CecilTheLion has a small penis, but I'm God, and I KNOW he does.

It's an odd feeling, eating taco bell breakfast, while watching the #CrossFitGames . #APositiveMessage #finishedmycrunchwrap