ihatejokes

The Wayne Family Car Sticker bit.ly/1EPJFRc

She'll be riding six white horses when she comes? That's disgusting.

10 Historical Figures Who Allegedly Died As Virgins sensationali.st/10-historical-…

"Let me just tweet this." #FiveWordstoRuinaDate

Facebook makes you hate people you already know, and Twitter makes you love people you've never met.

I almost had a threesome last night. I just needed two more people.

That moment between Netflix episodes when you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what the hell you're doing with your life.

After high school you realize you were only friends with some people because you saw them five times a week.

Whenever I see a couple's names carved into a tree, I can't help but wonder why all these people are bringing knives on a date.

Sparta Knife Block stuffyoushouldhave.com/sparta-knife-b…

I can't wait until I have my own everything.

I'm here on Twitter because my family is on Facebook.

No, cough syrup, you are not grape flavored. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children. Not grape.

Teacher: "Where is your homework?" Me: "I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in school."

You know you're really broke when American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

If your friends are not making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

Interesting how the ads on YouTube never have trouble buffering.

I love sleeping to avoid problems.

What are you, twelve? Yeah, on a scale of one to ten, bitch!

My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket; I told her straight up I was cheating. There's no way I was going to confess I sell Avon.