Ikramul Haque

Oog see hooman oog don't like get praised at fire circle. big praise. elder grak. whole tribe nodding. oog sit. face correct. head nod also. doing the nod. inside: sour thing. small green ugly thing sitting behind ribs. oog know this thing. oog not proud of this thing. oog look at it anyway. because the sour thing is information. the sour thing say: oog want that. oog want to be seen like that. oog want the nod of the tribe and the word of the elder and the moment where what oog do land in the room. the sour thing is just. want. with nowhere to go. want that turned sideways because the path is blocked by someone else's success. oog sit with this all night. walk home. next morning oog work harder at the thing oog actually do well. not to take the praise from that hooman. just to give the want somewhere real to go. to turn sideways want back into forward want. because here is what oog learn: the sour thing only stay sour if you swallow it. if you look at it. name it. "this is want wearing a ugly coat." and then redirect it. the fire that cook the jealousy is the same fire that heat the ambition. same flame. your choice what to put over it. love, oog

Oog: "nana dust. what nana dust regret?" nana dust not look up from fire. long pause. so long oog think she not going to answer. then... "nana dust was once too tired to dance." "...that it?" "tribe had big feast. drum going. everyone moving. nana dust husband reach hand. nana dust say 'not tonight. back hurt.' he dance without. nana dust watch." she poke fire. "that husband gone now eleven cold season. nana dust would give both knee and the bad back to dance one more time with that hooman. one bad song worth of dance. that is what nana dust would give everything for." fire pop. "nana dust not saying say yes to everything. nana dust saying: when someone you love reach hand... count the cost CAREFULLY before you say no." oog not say anything. oog just... hide it away. somewhere behind the ribs. next to things oog plan to never forget. love, oog

Oog wake up. oog open eyes. oog see green leaf. oog hear koom snore. oog feel chest go up... then down. everyone want magic stone. everyone want gold cave. but oog think: to see the sun is the magic. to hear the brother laugh is the cave. if you have breath in lungs, you already win the day. the rest is just extra meat. if you can walk to the river, you are richer than the king of the dust. love, oog

oog sit by river. oog look at reflection. oog tell reflection: “oog make you smile today. nobody else. just oog.” if oog wait for chuk to tell joke, oog might wait many moons. if oog wait for moon to be full to feel good, oog sad most of the time. oog hunt for own joy like oog hunt for rabbit. oog find it, oog cook it, oog eat it. but sometimes, someone walk by and drop a pretty blue stone in oog hand. oog was already happy. but now? oog happy and have blue stone. don’t give someone the key to your cave. but if they bring flowers to put by the door? let them. love, oog

zul: "oog where do we go when fire in chest stop." oog: "oog think we go into ground to help grass grow. then deer eat grass. then chuk eat deer. we stay in circle." zul: "but i want to stay being zul. i dont want to be grass." oog: "you always be zul. even in grass. you be the part of grass that tickle koom feet and make him laugh." zul: "that is weird oog." oog: "life is weird zul. magic is just realizing that nothing ever really go away. it just change its skin." zul: "oog promise you wont change your skin for looong time." oog: "oog have too many hides to scrape and too many brothers to scold. oog staying right here in this skin." zul: "good. i like this skin. it smell like woodsmoke." oog: "that is best smell for hooman to have." love, oog

when oog accidentally make eye contact with shaman. shaman stop mid-ceremony. shaman point at oog. oog soul leave body. now shaman explain the moon. the bones. why river angry at us specifically. the seventeen reason sky make noise. oog nod. oog understand NOTHING. but oog can not stop nod. stopping nod is dying. oog been nodding for what feel like three winters. oog have wife now. children. they ask “where father go?” oog still there. by the fire. nodding. love, oog

dak: "oog what make someone a goooood hooman." oog: "oog think... they make the people around them feel less alone." dak: "that it?" oog: "dak that EVERYTHING." love, oog

koom: "oog why sky cry today." oog: "sky not cry koom. sky just washing dust from world so stars can see us better tonight." koom: "but mud get in my toes. i hate wet dirt." oog: "wet dirt is just mud trying to be skin. look. oog make mud man on rock." koom: "mud man look sad." oog: "mud man not sad. mud man just waiting for sun to turn him into stone." koom: "i want to be stone too. stone never get cold." oog: "stone never get hugs either koom. oog choose being mud every time." koom: "me too. oog carry me through big puddle." oog: "oog always carry you." love, oog

oog look at big cavemen when oog small. oog think: "they know where sun go. they know why mountain shake. they have map of whole world in head. when oog grow up, oog will be steady like rock." now oog is big caveman. oog have biiig beard. young ones look at oog like oog have all answers. oog realize big secret: NOBODY KNOW. chief not know. shaman not know. even tiger not know. we all just standing in dark cave with one small torch. oog used to think "growing up" mean getting all the answers. oog realize "growing up" just mean getting comfortable with the questions. we all just making it up as we walk through the tall grass. oog not "perfect" or "steady." oog just a small caveman in a big world, still learning how to not trip over tree roots. be kind to others. they just as lost in the woods as you. love, oog

cold season ending. oog know because of smell. not because of sky, not because of tree. because of smell. something wet and alive underneath the dry. like earth clearing throat. like world remembering it know how to grow. first bug of warm season land on oog hand today. tiny thing. red with two black spot. koom would know name. koom know all the small creature names, oog don't know how, he is FIVE, but koom is built different. bug sit on oog knuckle. oog not move. oog think: this bug survive cold. whole cold season, somewhere under bark, under rock, under frozen mud. this bug was just. waiting. not dead and not at all giving up. just folded into itself, conserving, trusting that warm was coming even with no proof. oog having hard month. oog not say this to anyone. eldest not really supposed to say "oog having hard month." eldest is the wall. wall not supposed to crack and announce the crack. but oog tell the bug. oog say: "oog also been waiting." bug wave one antenna. maybe agreement. maybe bug don't care. either way oog feel better. seasons always come back. oog know this in head but sometimes oog forget it in belly. cold feels permanent when oog inside it. feels like maybe this the cold that don't leave. maybe warmth was just a thing that happened once. but it always come back. every time. without fail. even when earth look completely dead. oog think about the children oog don't have yet. the small ones that will come someday and look at oog face to learn what to feel about the world. oog want to already know how to say this to them. not with big words. just with how oog live. show them: papa folded in, waited, trusted. warm came. warm always come. bug fly away. oog open hand. empty but not empty. cold season ending. love, oog

oog catch mama doing something today. she not know oog watching. she standing by the back of cave where old things live. old tools. old hides. old smells. she pick up one old hide. small one. worn through in the middle. and she just. hold it to her face. breathe in. eyes close. stay like that for long time. oog know whose hide that is. it koom first wrap. from when koom was so new he still look confused about being alive. oog don't say anything. oog just. step back soft. let mama have the moment. later oog ask. casual. oog: "mama what you do in back of cave." mama: "nothing. tidying." oog: "mama hold something for long time." mama look at oog. small smile. the kind that carry weight. mama: "you think you so sneaky." oog: "oog just have good eye." mama: "that hide smell like koom when he was first-breath small. before he was loud. before he was koom. when he was just. new." oog not say anything. mama: "you hold on to smell longer than anything. smell is the last thing to go." oog think about that for long time after. think about how mama carry five hooman inside her body once. how she know every one of oog by smell before she know us by face. how that kind of knowing live somewhere deeper than words. oog want to remember this. for later. for when oog have small ones of oog own who grow fast and get loud and become themselves. oog want to remember to hold the hide. breathe in. stay a moment in the before. love, oog

sitting on cliff with dak. dak looking at sky. "oog. stars look like tiny holes in cave-top. you think spirits are looking through?" oog look up. stars are bright. stars are many. "oog think... maybe stars are not holes, dak. maybe stars are just the sparks from a fire we not reached yet." dak eat a berry. "sparks from what fire?" "the one we building every day. every time chuk help fru. every time mama sing. every time oog not hit dak for being dummy." dak laugh. "oog think too much. oog should just hunt." "dak should just eat berry," oog say. but oog keep looking. if every good thing is a spark... then one day... the sky will be so bright we won't need a moon. oog keep building. love, oog

i think i'm broken...

fire is small. just red eyes in grey ash. koom sitting on oog lap. koom breathing slow. huff. puff. "oog. why fire go sleep?" oog stir ash with stick. "fire is tired, koom. fire worked all day keeping cave warm. now fire want to be quiet." koom touch oog's big, rough hand. "koom tired too. but koom scared if fire go... then dark win." oog pull koom closer. oog chest is big. oog heart is loud. "dark never win, koom. look." oog point to the embers. "even when fire look like it gone... it just hiding in the wood. waiting for tomorrow. and even if fire go all the way out... oog is still here. oog is warm. koom can sleep on oog-fire." koom put head down. "oog is better than wood. wood have splinters." oog stare at the red eyes in the ash. being eldest is just being the one who stay awake so the little ones think the dark is just a blanket. oog hope tomorrow is sunny. oog's legs are falling asleep. love, oog

keep moving

koom found a tooth. "oog! look! koom lost a piece of face!" koom scared. koom think he falling apart. oog sit koom down. oog show koom a seed. "koom. seed must break so tree can come out. skin must stretch so boy can get big. losing tooth is just koom cave getting too small for the big man inside." koom touch gap in mouth. "so... koom is growing?" "koom is exploding. very slowly." growing hurts a little bit because you have to leave pieces of you behind. but you can't carry the baby-tooth and the big-meat-biter at same time. my dear hooman, let the small pieces go. make room for the roar. love, oog

papa say to oog: "oog. you make mountain out of anthill." oog not understand. papa point at ground. tiny anthill. small bump. papa point at horizon. big mountain. sky touch it. "oog. problem is anthill size. but oog brain make it mountain size. oog carry mountain that not real." oog think about this. oog think about all the things oog worry about. the things that keep oog awake. most of them... anthill. oog just very good at building. love, oog

koom find a hole in ground. koom: "oog! look! a mouth in earth!" oog look. just a hole. probably a snake house. probably a spider cave. koom: "is earth hungry?" oog think. "no, koom. earth not hungry. earth just making room for secrets." koom whisper "oog likes berries" into hole. then koom cover hole with leaf so secret stay safe. oog realize most hoomans fill holes. they fill quiet with noise. they fill empty caves with stuff. but maybe holes are there for a reason. maybe we need places to put the things we not ready to say out loud yet. oog find own hole. oog whisper "oog scared of getting old." oog cover it with stone. oog feel much lighter now. earth is good at carrying things so oog don't have to. love, oog

oog is pillow. koom is foot. zul is elbow. chuk is knee. fru is... somewhere in middle. "oog! zul touching my ear with cold toe!" "oog! koom is leaking from nose on my arm!" oog want to scream. oog want to go sleep under big tree alone. oog want quiet. then... thunder. BOOM. whole cave go still. cold wind bite at cave mouth. suddenly... four brothers crawl closer. four brothers find oog-wall. they not complain about cold toes now. they just want to be near the big one. oog feel four tiny hearts. thump. thump. thump. thump. oog leg is numb. oog neck is twisted like old root. but oog not move. wall not move for thunder. wall stay still so small ones can dream. love, oog