Jared Mark Smith

News Headline: Brooklyn Couple Wants To Keep Wedding Small

@JDVance @TheoVon Lotta couch there

Slow news day, what are we even going to talk about? @TheoVon

@JDVance Wait til this dude finds out what party he’s in

As a general rule, I'm fine with people telling jokes and not fine with people starting stupid wars that kill thousands of my countrymen.

@kellyccooper That is a ticket to the Big Bean Factory

Found a small bean in a can of big beans. I hope it knows it’s ok to be different.

@waziot Oh no I’m shaking!

Alright everyone has 18 more minutes to get their earthquake jokes out. As of 11am EST you’re cut off

When they put me in charge of your surprise birthday party

You think they’re showing the game at Thai Diner?

bro farted

I always prefer to stay in unless anyone I know is doing anything

Stop ordering soda and bitters and order bitts and bubs

@TomiLahren Wut

Imagine getting in trouble for having a fake Vax card and not for forcing people to get experimental jabs to eat inside or keep a job….

Dry January: if you order more than two rounds of soda and bitters just bring a nalgene

@annevclark And some kids gonna get cracked while tryna hop an ollie over a three stair in front of an Albertsons

Someone is 100% gonna make a millennial stranger things in a few years that's like where a bunch of kids in 2003 have to listen to Lil John to break a spell cast by a witch in a scream mask (it will be all found footage)

Idk who needs to hear this but the love of your life is not on Brooklyn hinge standouts

@ohJuliatweets DynaLa

Serotonin: it’s not just a river in Egypt

@samjamescorrie Lotta talk for someone who doesn’t watch Foundation 😤

mans got me feelin real eligible for that monkeypox vaccine

Saddest Brooklyn story For sale: Butt plug, never used

“How late you gonna be there?” Is New York for I’m not coming

New Banksy?

No one talks about how Europeans actually have the worst tattoos