jc 🧚🏻

The more days that pass, the more my heart wishes I was in Portland 😩 I wanna go again so bad

I cant remember the last time someone asked me how I feel. I’ve been putting all my emotions on hold just catering to everyone else around me & I just realize that it’s dragging me down. I feel like I’m getting ready to explode & THAT BREAKS MY HEART

I just want the thoughts to go away

I wish I grew up having someone to count on, someone to make me feel safe. My person was my grandpa & after he left he took that from me & as much as I try I just can’t figure it out & it’s weighing on me hard as fuck lately

I see how ppl communicate with their siblings & how that influences their relationships with ppl & if there’s anything I’ve ever wanted in life, it’s to have a connection with someone like that. To be able to know what to say. How to act with people. I feel so awkward & weird

& I know that’s bad. But idk how to do anything else. My brother was never a comfort for me. My sister barely knows I exist. My mom never wanted to deal with me. My dad felt awkward talking to me. So I just know how to deal with things alone

I get so mad at my siblings sometimes because I don’t know how to connect to ppl. I don’t know how to talk to ppl. I don’t know how to ask for help. I don’t know how to speak up. I don’t know how to do anything but be alone & cry myself to sleep & wake up like nothing happened

I miss when I used to have close friends. I miss being understood by a female perspective & feeling like I’m not just going crazy. There’s not one person I feel like I can call anymore & that breaks my heart. I break my heart.

I forgot it was Friday the 13th

My mom made my favorite food & I can’t even enjoy it ☹️

So now I’m so fuckin mad & very very sad & I’m on my period so I just feel like the sky is falling & I can never amount to anything

& that always makes me miss my grandpa….

Somewhere along the past week I’ve gotten my migraines back & that stupid ass feeling in my stomach before I get anxiety attacks, and that heaviness in my chest that makes me feel like I’m drowning

Who do I run to when I feel like I’m a burden to everyone around me? How do I express my feelings if I don’t know how to talk about them? How do I release all my anger when I don’t have a way to let it out? I just don’t know anymore…

I just want to feel safe in life & I’m constantly reminded that I can never get comfortable. Something is always going to go wrong. Something is always going to be an issue. Something is always going to come up

I wish I could just run away. I don’t wanna hurt no one. I don’t want anyone to worry. I don’t wanna explain myself. I just want to run & disappear & not feel guilty for doing it.

I try so hard. Everyday. Every single day I try my best to do better. To treat people better. To look at life better. To be a better daughter. A better lover. A better friend. And every fuckin day I’m reminded that no matter how hard I try, I just am not enough.

It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fuckin fair!!!