Jeremy Brothers

If Stephen King were setting IT in 2020, the Losers Club would all get a group text instead of individual phone calls. And they’d spend the next thousand pages on the group text thread trying to low-key suss out who everyone else was voting for. Then they all stay home.

I’ve spent more time staring at the Charmin options — ultra soft, ultra strong, ultra gentle — than I spent looking at colleges. I feel like this is going to be seen as a real “who I am” vs “who I want to be” moment.

My neighbor keeps burning toast with their patio door open. I have to keep confirming I’m not having a stoke. Then I googled “burnt toast stroke,” and it turns out that it’s not even a stroke warning sign. So... all this has been propaganda from the Big English Muffin lobby.

There’s a hallway outside a casting office filled with dogs. They’re nervous. Playing Toto in a stage version of The Wizard of Oz is all they’ve ever wanted. None of them get the part, but we follow their hopes and dreams. For five seasons. That’s my script. Please buy it.

Also, is #emergence a brutal indictment of the foster care system, à la The Wire, or nah?

What’s the word for when someone txts “hey, can I call to check in on something?” and you’re like “yeah, I’m free now.” But they never call and you stare at the phone like you’re going insane like a heroine from a Darren Aronofsky movie? I bet the Germans have a word for it.

Hmmm. Sometimes when you click on a Google Doodle and see photos of what the person they’re celebrating really looked like... Brass tacks? I think they’re being very generous with their cartoon version depiction of Dr. Herbert Kleber. There I said it.

“Linklater signs on to adapt Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s ‘100 Years of Solitude’ — to be shot in real time. Breaking news from @Variety and @TheAVClub.

Please check out Midsommer. partially because I want to talk about it with people. Partially because we’ve all been asking “what if they took the opening to The Harold and just let that play out for over two hours?”

I got really excited for a moment when I saw a Denny’s and thought it said “Outlet” underneath the sign. A Denny’s Outlet?! How cheap are those pancakes and bacon?! But it didn’t say outlet. I don’t know why I thought that. And then I had to question why I got so excited.

Sitting in traffic and my Lyft driver just pulled out a banana, held eye contact in the rear view mirror and started mowing down. Is this what people talk about when they talk about being triggered?

My apartment complex is huge... like hundreds of people. And if my keen deduction skills are to be trusted, they all have turned walking their small dogs and waiting for postmates to deliver McDonalds into a full time gig.

As a pre-teen, rather than having any kind of uncomfortable conversation with me, my mother just left a book on my bed called the “What’s Happening to my Body Book for Boys.” I skimmed it. If anyone knows how it ends, please DM me.

If I had toddlers and was trying to toilet train them, I’d tell them that our potty has been voted America’s Best Potty for three years running by Toilet Quarterly and they should be thrilled to dump in it. Years later, I’ll confess that I self-publish the magazine.

May the road rise to meet your feet, may the wind always be at your back and may you never find yourself at an IKEA five minutes before closing. That was a Darren Aronofsky-esque level of dread and hopelessness.

I’d make an incredible catburglar.

How many times can you think “that’s a stupid looking hat” before realizing that you’re in the wrong bar/club?

Pro tip: whenever you’re at a film festival and you don’t know how to compliment a creator, compare them to Kieślowski. Never fails!

@RyanFGaul I always start thinking I’m talking to the Judeo Christian one... but before I know it, I’m muttering about Cthulu again.

Sometimes I see a couple that looks eerily familiar and I hope and pray that they’re just siblings and not some sort of crazies who have had surgery to look like each other.