jo 💖

📌 twitter.com/mama_tuna/stat…

You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me." Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."

we need non cancerous cigarettes to give to women so they look hot. men get the normal kind

I Need To Shoot My Phone

its the weekend baby. youknow what that means. its time to drink precisely one beer and call 911

6 years of Odin 🥲🥲🥲

Hate seeing a mf rub his hands together. Bro, you better be cold. If you scheming, I stg.

"RIP my Mentions" -me, gravely, as they lower the casket of my husband, Jonathan Mentions

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy [friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

Date: I'm pretty easygoing, you? Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don't know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

FRANCE: we're fancy WORLD: ok FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich is our national lunch WORLD: FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich with an egg is its wife

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it. ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged. DOCTOR: ... ME: Get my money’s worth.

oh you want to try and copy an email address, you fool, you rube, i will instead direct you to send an email, or perhaps i will add unnecessary < > to your text, hehehe i am going to ruin your day

me (not handling things) to my friend (also not handling things): I think you handled it perfectly

today i emphasize with donald trump because i too before have attached myself to an attractive man who absolutely fucking hates me

Ohhhh so now I’m the bad guy. Just for being a huge bitch

oh ur a people pleaser? name 3 people that are pleased with you

if the salary is so competitive why won't you tell me what it is? 😌

i cannot stop spending money. I am the primary breadloser of my household