Silly Joel NYC

"I thought he was just doing a bit" -everyone after I die suddenly

I haven’t seen the movie but that’s a great name! Good enough to come out of retirement for.

Robert Pattinson should change his name to Robert Batman

At this point my family are just like old roommates. They saw me naked too many times and now we never talk

I DON'T use deodorant cuz I never lose my cool* *leave the house

Cats! Nature's dogs

"how does he make all those wonderful toys?" -autistic joker

I'd love if people pointed to me and said "that guy doesn't care what anybody thinks" but only if I look cool

I feel like I always ruin sexting when I say "eggplant 100 was my father's name"

I can only speak for myself but by far the worst part of being president HAS to be playing golf

1st pass at shaving- get 90% of whiskers. 2nd- get 60% of the remaining 10% 3rd pass - 30% of sink is blood

"I don't know man. I never use my own stuff" -me when people ask where to follow me on social media

how are the schools in Margaritaville™?

from me and mine to you and yours, happy birthday Bob Marley!

@lisacfriedrich lol i could use a nu headshot

will I have to tip the bot that replaces you at your job?

Pants so comfortable you'll never have to wear them!

the wow reaction is the funniest thing on facebook in 5 years

Trying to make my own memes, so far they all just say "Shutterstock" am I doing this right?

🎶u can't always get what society says u waaaaaaant 🎶

Tonight STONED Kath Barbadoro | Josh Castro DRUNK Cody Greenlee | Dany Recio SOBER Jered McCorkle | John Buseman Tix bit.ly/2f0x0sR