John F Kensil

Opening for Bruce last night in Asbury Park I have such a killer opening line “I had prison sex in Facebook jail” then the crowd just laughs for 45 minutes I had to go out and grab a cup of joe and a baconator till they stopped laughing

saw Woody Allen playing his heart out with his Dixieland Jazz band last night at the Carlyle Hotel in New York, He asked “ Any requests?” I said “ The I shot a Moose Routine!” He walked over and said “ You think that’s funny Mother F’er?” Then he broke his clarinet over my head

As a kid my Mom got me a Teddy Ruxpin doll and I put a Black Sabbath tape inside it and it tried to strangle me an throw me down the steps.

People say Bush stole the 2000 election but no one says bupkis about the chronic, chronic cheating of the Harlem Globetrotters.

I always get The Goo Goo Dolls and Kajagoogoo mixed up when I need music to torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay

If anyone gets an email from me that says you're a good person and smell nice Don't open it, I've been hacked

Get on America's Got Talent and say "I hate my day job. Blade Oiler at the guillotine factory. I use cutting edge technology. , well I have to get back to work Chop chop" when Howie Mandell says that was the worst thing I ever heard. Say " I know.........DAD!"

The Boys are putting on this benefit for me on Wed. 4/1, I am beyond humbled and grateful for all the love and support I have been receiving, come out..this is a killer lineup 💕🙏 souljoels.com/shop/tickets/k… Fuck Cancer🖕@mikerainey82 @dru_montana47 @SoulJoels @ratboyjames @jonnydelco @JakeMattera @attentionhrse @ryanlfoster_ @_Shaner_Comedy_ @johnkensil @SJPComedy

Did you hear The Dairy Queen got pregnant? Yeah the Burger King had his vasectomy reversed. You can use this quip at ceramics class or the gimp suit factory

Wilfred Brimley 2017 I said “you were great in the movie Krippendorf’s Tribe”, he said “I wasn’t in that” I said “oh my bad can I have my money back?” he said “Beat it” This was filmed the day I met Wilfred Brimley ⬇️ instagram.com/reel/C0zHqvoMe… #johnkensil #kensilculturepodcast

Every time I have Ramen Pride I always say the same thing “ Ahh nectar of the Gods!” But it usually comes out “i’ve ruined my life”

Save your time reading the article The jobs with the most cheaters -Circus Mohel’s -Truck Nut Bedazzlers -nutty Belhops -Sesame Place character Costume dry Cleaners - Bikini Inspectors

What's the best movie jump scare?

I think of this haircut often. How much you think I paid for it?

@grok did Trump get loans from Russian banks in 1987

trying to catch 40 winks before my super comedy show and the couple in the room next to me were smooching very loudly. Then they saw the red light of my video camera. In the widow and I said I worked for the Ramada and I'll used the video to scare racoons away from the dumpster

Close up of healthy adult male sperm and Close up on YOUR sperm

In 2015 Someone texted me "???" From Columbus Ohio So I replied with a picture of Joe Biden with his hand on a cops lap, and they got mad